DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have taken note of repeat inquiries about how to deal with not being invited to a wedding — presumably, though not always in so many words, without being a jerk in return.
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I would like to point out that weddings have gotten exceedingly expensive and that couples simply cannot afford to invite everyone to the reception. In many cases, it is still the bride’s family who pays, and they may have to take on extensive debt to do so.
Why do we expect them to explain their circumstances or choices to us? Why should anyone take personal offense or press for a reason they were not included, much less devalue the relationship? Why not just let it go?
GENTLE READER: By all means, that grudge should be let go. There are many reasons that people do not throw weddings large enough to invite everyone they know.
But Miss Manners does not care for the reason that you cite. It means that the wedding arrangements are considered more important than the guest list.
The customary basics of a wedding — the ceremony, a cake and something with which to toast the couple — are not expensive. But a huge industry has convinced people that they also need exotic locations, elaborate meals, live bands and disc jockeys, along with such silly extras as wedding favors for the guests, as if at a child’s birthday party.
Fine, if that is what they want.
It is when they want that more than the presence of people they care about — or whom they know care about them enough to want to attend — that Miss Manners finds their values disturbing.
That said, people should accept the fact that not everyone is invited to everything. But it would help if hosts did not flaunt pictures of the invited crowds in full view of those who were not. (And yes, Miss Manners knows that they will consider their online postings to be an essential part of weddings.)
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My former co-worker passed away suddenly about a year ago, and a memorial gathering is finally being held.
It is being called a “celebration of her spirit” and is being held at a venue that is usually used for weddings. Should I avoid wearing black?
GENTLE READER: A good traditional funeral includes appreciation of the deceased’s life. But when this is labeled a celebration, Miss Manners worries that actual grieving is pushed aside.
She has attended ones that were so determined to be cheerful that anyone who looked stricken, or actually cried, seemed out of place.
Few people will probably wear black to this event, but that should not discourage you from maintaining that symbolic respect. After all, people wear black to weddings nowadays, so it should not seem odd.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper way to let someone know of my feelings for them? Does a proper courtship have to, at least initially, be hinted at and read between the lines?
GENTLE READER: Despite the appeal of love at first sight, Miss Manners would think that a declaration of love would be more flattering when you have gotten to know something about the person.
But this is not the Lovelorn Department, so she consulted her dear friend Stendhal, who declares in his book “On Love” that it is doubt that fuels love — and certainty that cools it.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
