Harriette Cole: My 4-year-old’s day care meltdowns are a big problem

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 4-year-old son absolutely hates going to day care. Every morning is a struggle.

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He cries the moment he realizes it’s time to go and clings to me when I try to drop him off. It’s not just a passing phase or a little separation anxiety; this has been going on for months, and nothing we do seems to help.

My husband and I have tried everything we can think of. We’ve had conversations with the day care teachers, tried to create positive associations and even switched to a different day care center, hoping a new environment might make a difference.

Unfortunately, the same thing happened. No matter where we go, the reaction is the same.

The difficult part is that we don’t have another option. Both my husband and I need to work full-time jobs in order to stay financially stable, and we don’t have nearby family who can step in to help with child care.

I feel guilty every time I leave him crying, and it’s starting to take a toll on both of us emotionally.

Do you have any advice for how we can make this transition easier for him or how to know if this just isn’t the right kind of environment for our child?

— Day Care Woes

DEAR DAY CARE WOES: I have two ideas. First, explain to your child that his work is day care, just like your work is whatever it is. Take him to your job one day, and show him where you sit and what you do. Then go to his day care and spend the day with him and have him show you what he does. Each day after that, you can wish each other a good day at work and review your day when you come home.

My second suggestion is to get a child psychologist to work with your son to help unpack whatever insecurities he is experiencing and potentially redirect or neutralize his fears.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like the go-to person in my life. Friends, family and colleagues know to ask me for favors because I am willing to help or am likely to say yes.

My question is: When can I expect the same?

I used to think I did it because I enjoyed helping people, but lately it feels a lot less enjoyable and more like I’ve become a lackey. I struggle to say no, to leave conversations or places that don’t serve me, to set boundaries that preserve my peace and energy. I am beginning to feel taken advantage of by loved ones.

At a group event a couple of weeks ago, I overheard a friend of mine telling people that I would be helping them build out various aspects of their business — something we’ve never discussed. When I questioned them about it, they said they just figured I’d be willing.

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How did I get here?

— Too Helpful

DEAR TOO HELPFUL: You got there by always saying yes. Now it’s time to stop.

When people ask you to do something you do not want to or have time to do, say no.

It may be hard at first, but you can do it. That is much healthier than being overburdened or resentful.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.