Miss Manners: I hate their dinnertime conversation but I can’t just find new friends

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s happened to mealtime conversation?

Miss Manners: I was called a thief for getting fizzy water without paying

Miss Manners: These women wore white gowns to my wedding, and people were talking

Miss Manners: His driving was terrifying. He responded poorly when I asked him to slow down.

Miss Manners: I skipped a party for a colleague I don’t like. Should I have lied about why?

Miss Manners: I don’t like what strangers say about my kids and my husband

We have friends who are perfectly capable of talking about all kinds of interesting subjects, but only so long as there is no food in front of them. If we meet at restaurants or for meals at each other’s houses, all they ever talk about is the food.

They grill (sorry!) waitstaff at length about the ingredients before they order. They even ask us, if they’re coming to our house, what we plan to serve — and make not-too-subtle suggestions for changing the menu. Not to accommodate allergies, which I would understand, but just preferences.

I would even stomach (sorry!) all that if they then talked about something else during dinner. But they don’t. Part of it is critiquing the food we’re eating, and if they like what we made, they think it’s a compliment to ask for the recipe while we’re eating it.

But that’s not all. We have to hear about what foods they like in general, and where they get them; which foods disagree with them, including descriptions of disgusting reactions; and which foods they think are bad for everybody. We hear about their diets, how much weight they lost or didn’t lose, and the food habits of people we don’t even know. It’s enough to make me lose my appetite (not sorry!).

Then there is the endless talk about restaurants — not just the one we happen to be in, but others they’ve gone to, which ones they like, which ones they don’t like and what they ate there. And places they have heard about but haven’t tried yet.

I am fed up! (Sorry!)

You’ll probably tell us to get new friends. But these include childhood and college friends, who share our interests as well as our history. Some are work friends, who have lots to say about our respective fields. Some are the parents of our children’s friends, who have the same goals about improving education. There’s my walking partner, who keeps me amused. And there are relatives we like — as well as a few we just have to tolerate.

In other words, they’re not just bores, and we can’t fire them and get a whole new set.

GENTLE READER: There is an old rule of etiquette that Miss Manners left gathering dust in the cupboard, because circumstances had changed, no one pays attention to it now, and she hadn’t considered it worth a fight.

Until she got your letter.

The rule prohibits talking about food while consuming a meal. This even prohibits complimenting the food, which is practically considered mandatory these days.

But the rule dates from a time when people who entertained were likely to employ cooks. (That did not mean that they were necessarily rich; “help” was paid shockingly little.) So rather than being flattered by compliments, the host would suspect that the guest might attempt to steal the chef.

Harriette Cole: My 4-year-old’s day care meltdowns are a big problem

Dear Abby: Since she went no-contact, I tell people I don’t have a child

Asking Eric: Years later, there’s fallout from the drama of my missionary days

Dear Abby: Grandfather will boycott kid’s graduation unless he gets VIP treatment

Asking Eric: What should my grandson know about his parents’ messy divorce?

Whether or not people had fewer allergies then, guests either ate what they were given or pushed it around their plate. The ban on food talk relieved them of being questioned or urged.

Today’s etiquette does require hosts to ask in advance whether their guests have eating restrictions. But at the table, they may gently say, “I’m putting food talk off limits.”

Miss Manners’ guess is that the guests will be relieved to eat — or not eat — in peace.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.