DEAR HARRIETTE: About a month ago, a few family members came to town. While I was giving them the grand tour of my city, one of my daughters pointed to the wine and spirits store and said, “This is Mommy’s favorite store.”
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Half the group laughed at my daughter’s silly statement, but half were completely silent. I know that everyone who stayed silent felt just as embarrassed as me.
I don’t even know why, but I felt exposed. I don’t want my children thinking of me this way.
I don’t drink every day, but I probably drink a little more than the average person. I never drink when I’m going to work or any other important engagements. I drink only at home after work hours, so I didn’t realize my children had picked up on this.
My drinking hasn’t ever felt harmful, but for some reason, I cannot get over that moment from a few weeks ago. Is there something wrong with my indulgence?
— Mom Anonymous
DEAR MOM ANONYMOUS: Since this concerns you deeply, examine it.
Track your drinking for the next couple of weeks. Note how often you actually drink and whether you are doing so around your children.
While you think you drink only occasionally, if that time coincides with family time, it may seem to your children that drinking is a constant for you. You may want to check that.
Allow your discomfort at their statement to shine a spotlight on your behavior so you can decide if you want to change it.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two months now, and while things started off really strong, there’s something that’s been bothering me more and more: He refuses to show me where he lives.
It feels intentional and calculated. Every time I’ve brought it up, he dodges the question or gives a vague excuse.
The first time, he said his apartment was “under renovation.” Then a week later, he said his roommate was having family over and the place was “a mess.” Another time he claimed he just “prefers going out.”
Now that we’re two months in, it’s starting to feel like a serious red flag. We always hang out at my place or meet in public. Not once have I seen the outside of his building, let alone been invited in. He always drives, but he never offers to meet at his place or take me there.
When I tried to push a little and asked directly why I’ve never seen where he lives, he laughed it off and said, “You’ll get there eventually, don’t worry.”
I am worried. It’s making me feel like he’s hiding something. What should I do?
— Off-Limits
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DEAR OFF-LIMITS: Tell your boyfriend that it makes you uncomfortable that he seems to be hiding his home from you. Something as basic as where a person lives should not be off-limits in your mind.
Ask him what he is hiding from you. Is he really that messy? Does he actually have a home, or is he living in temporary housing? Is he really single, or is he living with a girlfriend or wife? Tell him all of the thoughts that are going through your head because he refuses to share this basic part of his life with you.
Remind him that the easiest way to allay your concerns is to show you his home.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
