Dear Eric: My wife’s brother “Sid” and his wife recently left on a six-week overseas trip, leaving their 14-year-old son, “Bobby,” at home with his grandfather, who speaks very little English.
Related Articles
Asking Eric: I’m annoyed that this co-worker keeps barging in on me
Asking Eric: The latest of my friends to vanish had been acting strange on our walk
Asking Eric: My children are getting stupider, and I despair of leaving them my hard-earned money
Asking Eric: A cemetery guard ruined my father’s funeral, and that was just the start
Asking Eric: I’ve tried to please the vegans, but these burgers were the last straw
They didn’t leave any instructions with anyone in case of an emergency.
My wife and I are close to Bobby. Last week, he had a mental breakdown. He called us, and we took him to see his doctor, who after asking a number of questions, instructed us to take him to the hospital psych ward.
Bobby was then moved to a behavioral health clinic, where he is currently a patient.
My wife and I pleaded with Sid to come home, because his son needed him. The social workers, Bobby’s doctor and his counselors have also tried to persuade Sid and his wife to come home, to no avail. He’s ignored my messages and has talked to his sister twice to check in.
To see Bobby like this is killing us, and I can hardly control my anger at Sid and his wife. What, if anything, should I say when they return from their trip?
– Furious Uncle
Dear Uncle: I should think the social workers and doctors will have a lot to say to Sid and his wife, probably before you have a chance to speak with them.
Bobby is clearly in crisis and their disregard not only comes across as callous but strongly suggests a troubling home life.
Because you’re close with Bobby and you stepped up when the parents didn’t, I think you should say whatever’s on your mind – that you’re angry, that you’re concerned, that you don’t understand their actions.
What feels more important than venting, however, is making sure they know, and Bobby knows, that he has an advocate.
Please keep in contact with the social workers, as well. If Bobby is being neglected at home, he’s going to continue to need someone like you to stand up for him.
Dear Eric: I have a lot of food allergies and sensitivities that include items that do not have to be claimed as allergens per the CDC/FDA on ingredients lists.
One of the most frustrating things about this is trying to explain my very boring plate of plain lettuce sans dressing, which is quite often the only reliable menu item that I can order when eating out with friends/acquaintances.
The worst symptom that happens if I eat the wrong food is anaphylaxis; the most common symptom is severe migraines. The migraines are always preceded by essentially losing my vision for an hour during the aura phase, and when left untreated can get pretty bad.
I largely control the migraines through a very limited diet. I’m on meds for depression, and those don’t always mix well with rescue migraine meds, so avoidance of triggers is my best option.
I typically avoid social gatherings to avoid people arching their brow and asking if the usually wilted lettuce is all I am eating (I love a good, rare steak and jacket potatoes as much as the next person, I just can’t trust that how the cook prepares it won’t trigger a migraine). When I eat lunch with coworkers I always refuse to order out unless I know the place has reliably safe food that won’t trigger issues.
I frequently feel or am made to feel like I am making a big deal of the dietary issues, which is why I avoid food gatherings as much as possible.
If I enjoy myself and ignore my dietary needs, I get horrifically sick. If I eat what is safe, there are invariably a lot of awkward questions about why I’m not eating, and I have to defend my public eating choices with the response of “weird allergies and I don’t feel like needing rescue meds today.”
I’m not sure what the better approach is here.
– Confused Migraineur
Dear Migraineur: Depriving yourself of food you want and company seems like the worse option to me. So, let’s look at solutions that keep you feeling well while also keeping the social weirdness at bay.
People do tend to have a lot of opinions about what others are eating, unfortunately. But it will be helpful for you to reframe the way you think about these interactions. Your allergies may be weird to others (or even to you), but you don’t have to operate within their narrative about you.
In response to the invasive questions, try these scripts:
Short and sweet: “Doctor’s orders.”
Spicy and saucy: “Surely there are more interesting things for us to talk about than what’s on my plate.”
Related Articles
Miss Manners: What’s the best way to dodge a fishy hug? And what if they chase me?
Dear Abby: We’re not even married and she’s pestering me about my clothes and eating
Asking Eric: I’m annoyed that this co-worker keeps barging in on me
Harriette Cole: I can’t get over what my child said about my drinking
Miss Manners: Am I petty to think my neighbors’ parties are unfair to single people?
Plain and healthy: “I’m happy with this; don’t worry about it.”
I know it’s annoying to get these questions but try to work on thinking of your responses less as a defense and more as a personal choice. You may be powerless against the allergies, but you do have agency over what you choose to share.
You’re not making a big deal here; it sounds like you’ve been clear and even overly accommodating when navigating public eating events. Sometimes, with plates and with conversations, less is more.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
