Harriette Cole: He’s flaky and brooding but I can’t stay away

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had an intense relationship with a special man for nearly a year, and then he ghosted me. A few months later, he came back, but it has never been the same.

Harriette Cole: I can’t be happy when I’m with my childless friends

Harriette Cole: I can’t get over what my child said about my drinking

Harriette Cole: The caption on my middle-schooler’s TikTok selfie shocked me

Harriette Cole: How do I talk to my roommate about this daily disruption?

Harriette Cole: My twins are getting snappish over college acceptance

He claims that his life is complicated right now, which includes him being out of work.

I told him I could deal with that — for a while, at least — if he was attentive in other ways, but he has flaked a lot when it comes to showing up for me.

I can’t figure out how I got caught up with him. Yes, he has some great qualities, but right now he is distant, brooding and aloof. I always think I can say or do something that can get somebody to change, but I think I’m deluding myself.

My problem is I will give up and stop obsessing over him, but then something will happen, and I feel compelled to contact him again, and the cycle continues.

How can I break away from him emotionally — for good?

— Bad for Me

DEAR BAD FOR ME: Stop for a moment and sit still. Think about yourself and what you deserve.

What kind of partner do you want? Somebody who will show up for you and tend to your heart, or somebody who, for whatever reason, is not physically or emotionally present for you?

Who is this man? Based on what you have described, he does not sound like he is able to be the person you want and need. You didn’t say that he has asked you to wait for him to get himself together, so stop playing tennis with yourself. If he cannot hit the ball back to you — for instance, being responsive directly to you as you need — you must accept that he is not your guy.

The way to break emotionally from him is to stop engaging him. Don’t dial his number. Don’t stalk him on social media. Don’t walk down the street he lives on or go to the places you think he may turn up. Let go and move on with your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your response to “Yes-Woman,” the reader who is always asked to help because she always says yes, was excellent.

I used to be that person. Saying no is hard. But I learned to say, “I’m sorry, I just won’t be able to do that.” Then the other person will usually ask why. That’s when I say, “Well, that’s rather complicated. I’m sure you understand.”

Then change the subject. Asking them a question works well.

— In the Know

DEAR IN THE KNOW: Thanks for the response. My guess is that when one dares to push back and say no, a lot of people are so taken aback that they just back off and don’t even ask why.

Miss Manners: Why do they doubt I’m an engineer?

Dear Abby: I realize now why the others refused to go on my sister’s outings

Asking Eric: He’s using our mom as a therapist, dumping all his darkness and drama on her

Dear Abby: Please tell people that there’s no friendship after divorce

Asking Eric: The parents refuse to cut their trip short despite their teen’s crisis

We have to stop apologizing for the natural human need to take care of ourselves. When we put our needs first and learn how to care for ourselves, we create honest space for helping others to the best of our ability. That varies depending on what we have to do.

People do understand that about themselves, but if you are a people-pleaser, you will notice that you are held to a different standard. Saying no can seem shocking to your friends. Help them get used to it!

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.