DEAR ABBY: I am a mother of six and a grandma to four. We are a close family and enjoy each other’s company.
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My mom is nearly 80. For reasons I could never understand, she didn’t enjoy my children when they were growing up and didn’t connect deeply with them. She once commented to me that she was bored with women her age because they were “obsessed” with their grandchildren and she wanted deeper conversations.
Mom moved away and would mostly visit just for holidays and birthdays. When the children tried to share things that were going on in their lives, she wasn’t interested, and we eventually stopped inviting her to sports events and recitals because she seemed annoyed to be there.
Now that her grands have almost reached adulthood, my mother wants to connect with them.
She texts them often and sometimes invites them to visit. They respond politely, and a couple have gone to visit her, but none seems interested in a deeper relationship.
This bothers her, and she has been asking me to pressure them to visit her and include her in their lives more. But to them, she is a distant relative. They don’t feel close to her.
What is my responsibility now? I wish they had a closer relationship with my mom, but I feel awkward telling busy young adults they must plan trips to visit someone who didn’t try to establish relationships with them when they were young. Any advice?
— TORN DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your only responsibility is to remind your mother of the truth. When it was time to establish a relationship with her grandchildren, she chose to be absent.
Then explain that pressuring them to include her in their lives after she excluded them from hers won’t have the desired effect because that ship sailed a long time ago.
DEAR ABBY: I lost the love of my life recently. He died here in our apartment. I am heartbroken.
I’m crying a lot but trying to keep myself together.
I get scared being here in our apartment by myself, especially at night. During the day, I do arts and crafts and other things.
I have been thinking about moving back to where we used to live because there’s not a lot of public transportation here. My grandkids are close by, but most times I’m alone.
I am miserable. What should I do?
— ONLY ME NOW IN PENNSYLVANIA
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DEAR ONLY: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your partner.
You stated that his death was recent and traumatic. Because of that, I caution you to wait for about a year before making any life-changing decisions. Consult your children and grandchildren before deciding to pack up and move.
If you feel you would have more social interaction if you return to where you used to live, that may be a valid reason. For now, join a grief support group (online, if transportation is a problem) and continue learning how to adjust to life as a single person.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
