DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the weekend, my daughter had a few of her friends over while I was out running errands. When I came home, I discovered that an expensive crystal vase had been shattered.
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This wasn’t just any vase: It was a gift from my deceased grandmother. Apparently, one of the girls accidentally knocked it over while they were playing.
My daughter apologized, and I know it wasn’t intentional. Still, I can’t help feeling upset. I’ve been trying not to take it out on her, but I also feel like she should’ve been more careful and respectful, especially knowing how important that vase was to me.
I’m also not sure whether to say something to the parents of the friend who broke it. Part of me feels like it’s just a mistake and maybe I should let it go, but the other part thinks there should be some accountability, especially considering the emotional and financial value of the item.
How do I handle this without damaging relationships but still honoring how I feel?
— Upset
DEAR UPSET: Let it go. Do not reach out to the parents. It was an accident.
For the future, put valuables in safe places and possibly relegate your daughter and her company to play-safe areas of your home.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My partner and I have been together for a while now, and I truly care about him. He’s kind and stable, and we have a strong connection.
The only issue is that we’re at different stages in our lives.
He’s five years older than me and is ready to settle down. He talks about marriage, buying a home and planning for the future in concrete ways. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure things out.
I’m just beginning to explore who I am, what I want from my career and what kind of life I want to build. It’s not that I don’t see a future with him; it’s that I’m not sure when that future would feel right for me.
Sometimes I feel guilty for not being as ready as he is, like I’m holding him back. Other times I feel overwhelmed by the pressure to speed up my own timeline to match his.
I want to be fair to both of us, but I’m scared of making a decision I’ll regret, whether that means rushing into something I’m not prepared for or walking away from someone I really love.
How do I know if this relationship can survive us being in different phases of life?
— Not on the Same Page
DEAR NOT ON THE SAME PAGE: Relationships require acceptance and compromise. Talk about your situation directly.
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Explain to your partner where you are and the uncertainty that you feel — not about him, but about the timing. Consider together how comfortable you can be if you stay together but move at a slower pace. Agree on boundaries that you are both willing to enforce in your relationship as well as time markers for when you will check in to see where you both stand about the future.
Think about the long term. Some people are able to find a rhythm even when their clocks are different. For others, the years between them cause a great divide.
You will need to determine what works for you. It needs to be an agreement.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
