DEAR ABBY: I always considered my lifelong friend “Mary” to be my best friend. We are in our mid-50s now and live in different countries, but we’ve always stayed in contact. I am single; she is married.
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When she comes to visit, she stays with me. I sometimes pick her up at the airport, and I give her my guest room to stay in. I have never asked her for any money. Everything was fine; we enjoyed each other’s company.
I recently asked Mary if I could stay at her house (just overnight) and said I wouldn’t mind sleeping on the sofa.
She said she couldn’t have me for even one night because she has a small apartment, no guest room and she’s married.
I felt hurt because I never expected her refusal, especially the “I’m married” part, because it implied she doesn’t trust me with her husband around. Frankly, I was dumbfounded and speechless.
I still love Mary, but I cannot get over what she said.
Am I being overly sensitive? I cry about this every time I remember.
— THROWN IN PUERTO RICO
DEAR THROWN: Your friend told you she doesn’t have a house; she lives in a small apartment. It could be a one-bedroom or studio. Rather than implying you might come on to her husband, she may have been trying to convey in her abbreviated statement that he is not open to having a guest sleep on their couch.
I know you are disappointed, but stop taking this so personally. When you visit, you will get the complete picture.
DEAR ABBY: I was sexually abused as a child. Because of this, as an adult woman, I have issues around being touched.
I have had therapy, and I am doing much better, but I’m still uncomfortable with physical contact. I simply request that people ask me before they touch me, and I usually agree.
The issue is my mother-in-law. She refuses to ask before touching me and often pulls me into unwanted hugs or comes up behind me.
I have explained to her about my history, so she knows why I want her to ask me first, but she brushes it off and says she isn’t going to hurt me.
One time she said, “What? Do you think I’m going to attack you?” No, I don’t think she is going to attack me. This issue is about me, not her, but she doesn’t understand that.
My husband throws up his hands and refuses to get involved, as he hates being put in the middle.
How can I make her understand that I need her to ask before putting her hands on me?
— PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR PROTECTIVE: Tell your mother-in-law once more, when you are both calm, that because of your history of abuse you do not want to be touched without first being asked.
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If she says, “Do you think I’m going to attack you?” your response should be, “That’s exactly what it feels like! It feels like I’m being assaulted. Don’t do it!”
If she does it after that, then, in my opinion, you have every right to defend yourself.
P.S. Your wimp of a husband should be there during this conversation.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
