Miss Manners: I let my child pick her party guests, and she picked wrong

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is turning 9 soon, and we will be having a small party with four of her closest friends. We are hosting the party at the clubhouse in our condo complex.

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There is a fifth girl we know, “Kiara,” who also lives in the complex, with whom my daughter sometimes plays. I consider her mom somewhat of a friend, though we do not spend time together without the kids. Our older sons are friends, as well.

However, my daughter does not wish to invite Kiara to her birthday party because she does not feel as close to her as to the four friends we’ve invited.

I asked my daughter if she would at least consider inviting Kiara, as she lives directly across from the clubhouse, and she will most likely see the guests and recognize them from school. She will also hear about the party through her brother.

My daughter still refuses, saying Kiara has been “rude” at past events.

I want to respect my daughter’s right to choose her guests, but I don’t want to exclude Kiara from a party of people she knows, happening right outside her door. To my way of thinking, that makes us rude!

Please let me know how you would handle this.

GENTLE READER: Is it too late to move?

Miss Manners sees two problems, not one. The first is that Kiara should be included, for the reasons you mention. It would be best if you had explained this to your daughter from the start — that you understand and sympathize with her reluctance to include Kiara, but that it will still be a wonderful party and everyone will have a great time. Kiara lives right across the hall and we do not want her to feel left out.

Nine-year-olds are old enough to understand and young enough to move on if they realize the point is settled.

Which brings us to the second problem: your having left the decision up to your daughter. Now you will have to make clear what the right decision is — a more difficult proposition.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had been giving thoughtful and sometimes expensive birthday and holiday gifts to a close relative. We are adults in the same age group.

I stopped giving gifts a year or two ago because I did not receive a gift or even a card for many years. I continued to send cards.

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My relative is now complaining that she doesn’t hear from me. This is not true. I believe she is reacting to not receiving gifts.

I wish to be kind. Should I resume the gifts?

GENTLE READER: You may be right that your relative’s comment is a subtle complaint at the suspension of gifts, but if so, it is too subtle for Miss Manners. Certainly it is no reason to resume giving gifts to someone who neither reciprocates nor acknowledges them.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.