DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend and her fiance have decided to call it quits.
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They’ve been together for nine or 10 years and have been engaged for the past two. They had even begun building their first home together after moving to a new state.
About a month ago, we had a bridesmaids’ get-together, so to my understanding, they were still on the same page in terms of getting married. Sometime after that, I realized they each removed photos of the other from their social media accounts and have since canceled their wedding.
It was heartbreaking receiving an update like that via email.
I’ve called and texted my friend, but she has not been responding to me. Other friends are saying the same.
How can I support my friend through such a difficult change that I don’t even understand?
— Breakup Mystery
DEAR BREAKUP MYSTERY: Give your friend space. She has a lot to process.
Text her once a week telling her you love her and are there for her in any way she needs. But don’t push.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My 12-year-old daughter is going through a phase where she feels like she has to match everything her friends do, what they wear, what they eat, the shows they watch, the hobbies they’re into, etc.
She constantly compares herself to them and puts so much pressure on herself to fit in, to the point where she won’t even try something new unless she knows it’s already popular with her friend group.
If her friends wear a certain brand, she wants the exact same thing. If they don’t like something, suddenly she doesn’t either, even if she used to love it.
I understand that middle school can be a tough time and that fitting in feels like the most important thing in the world at that age, but I can’t help but worry that she’s starting to lose her sense of identity by trying so hard to blend in. I want to encourage her to think for herself and to be confident in who she is, even if that means standing out sometimes or doing something different from the crowd.
I don’t want to stifle her social life or make her feel like I’m judging her choices, but I do want her to learn that it’s OK not to be a sheep.
How do I talk to her about individuality and self-confidence in a way that she’ll actually hear and take to heart?
— Needing Independence
DEAR NEEDING INDEPENDENCE: There may be no words that will help open your daughter’s eyes. This is a time for you to show her that she has options.
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She might not like it, but I recommend that you enroll her in an extracurricular activity that requires a lot of her time — a sport, computer programming or public service are great options. Force her to do something on her own that will get her to think independently.
Talk to her teachers. See if any of her classes can be changed. Something dramatic needs to happen to shake her out of her friends’ clutches.
When my daughter was dealing with peer pressure, her teacher took her out of the class she shared with a clique the next year. She was devastated at first, but her schoolwork improved dramatically and her mindset eventually lifted, too.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
