Asking Eric: They insist on having their child piggyback on my son’s birthday party

Dear Eric: My son will soon be turning 13, as will my niece. They were born a week apart.

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I usually host a family pool party for my son’s birthday. My brother and his wife do not arrange a family party for their daughter. (They also have a nice yard with a pool.) Instead, they have a party for her and her friends without inviting family.

When they show up for my son’s party, family members arrive with gifts for my niece, and I feel like my son has to share his birthday every year with his cousin.

My brother and his wife do not contribute financially or with prep, serving, cooking or clean-up, so essentially I am giving their daughter a party as well.

A few years ago, I suggested we combine parties, which they agreed to, but since I had “more people than them,” my mother forbade me from asking them to contribute. I told this to my sister-in-law when she attempted to give me money and, rather than insist, she happily put her money back in her wallet.

They make more money than me. I’m a divorced mom on one income.

I certainly know this is not my niece’s fault, but how do I communicate to them that I don’t want to share my son’s birthday?

– Feeling Frustrated And Used

Dear Frustrated: Her intentions may have been good, but your mother’s edict was not helpful. I’m not quite sure why she feels the need to insert herself in this at all. You’re an adult, as is your sister-in-law; it’s none of her business how the costs get split up.

And it makes sense that you share the burden, if this has become a de facto joint party over the years. After more than a decade of doing this, it wouldn’t be surprising to find that your family members all think of this as both cousins’ party.

It is more than OK for you to revisit the conversation with your brother and sister-in-law, acknowledge the reality of what’s going on, and work together on a solution. And if your mom has thoughts or questions, tell her not to worry about it.

Another thing you might want to consider is the possibility that this party might be on the verge of changing. Talk to your son about how he wants to celebrate. Maybe he’s really eager for a friends-centric party, too. That might be quite healthy for him, and a lot of fun.

If you do change it, though, I’d give a heads-up to the family so they can adjust their expectations and no one accuses you of undercutting your niece.

Dear Eric: In response to the husband, eight months sober and describing himself as a recovering alcoholic, who was asking about his wife’s continuing funk (“Husband on Eggshells”), I offer my own personal experience.

My husband spent about 10 years in the throes of an addiction to street drugs, with periods of sobriety sometimes lasting more than eight months.

He has been sober now for nearly 10 years, and something that I have noticed, which may be true for the couple described in the column, is that I remember a lot more of his addiction than he does. I have a clearer and more accurate recall of the danger, the lying, the fear, the relapses, the stealing.

It was a lot of work, so I’m also resentful.

If I’m being perfectly honest, sometimes I feel almost jealous that my husband could be so irresponsible for all those years, then have his redemption narrative and come into his own full thriving and bright future.

Me? There are just stories of keeping everyone alive and housed, thanklessly and often while getting yelled at, that would do more harm than good to share — no celebration, no self-actualization, just the end of a crisis that wasn’t my making.

I was in a funk for a couple of years, probably. It takes personal therapy, and a lot of it, to find real joy in my own husband’s recovery. And to let go of the kind of vigilance I needed for so many years, simply to keep him alive.

– Been There

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Dear Been There: This is a very helpful and insightful perspective. I’m glad that you’ve been able to navigate the complex emotions that arose for you after your husband got sober.

This letter is a good reminder that when one person in a family changes, it changes the whole unit. But it doesn’t change the past. Each member of the unit is going to have a different relationship to that past.

We have to be responsible for our own feelings, as you’ve been, but, as some recovery communities say, time takes time.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.