Harriette Cole: ‘Gentle parenting’ is not going to solve this kid’s problem

DEAR HARRIETTE: Retired licensed psychotherapist specializing in children and families here.

Harriette Cole: The wedding is canceled, and she won’t tell me why

Harriette Cole: My friend is so secretive about her life that it hurts my feelings

Harriette Cole: I called my friend out for acting strange, and she left the party

Harriette Cole: It’s unfair that my ex-girlfriend told me to move out

Harriette Cole: I thought we were talking as friends. He tried to bill me.

With regard to “Out-of-Control Toddler,” the parent struggling with a toddler who has started hitting, there is now much empirical evidence to suggest that the “gentle parenting” that your advice reflects is ineffectual, especially for toddlers and especially with regard to hitting others.

The goal is not only to extinguish these behaviors but to concurrently teach conscience development, personal accountability and responsibility for one’s actions, which in turn develops empathy for others and aids in emotional regulation.

With all due respect, in the case of hitting others, what triggers the hitting behavior is irrelevant. Children need to learn quickly that no matter what anyone does to make them angry, hitting another person is unacceptable and, if left unchecked, can result in serious legal issues if a child goes home with bruises or a bloody nose.

First of all, I am assuming that there are no other children in the house. In interactions with others, especially siblings, children learn that hitting others is off-limits as parents are usually present to observe and intervene.

When there are no siblings, I would highly suggest that this parent invite other same-age children to the house for supervised playdates. In this way, the child can learn coping mechanisms at home.

For example, if the friend takes a toy away from the child and the child hits in return, the parent should take their child aside and say, “We don’t ever hit other people.” The child might say, “Well, they took my toy,” and the parent should reply with, “I know that makes you angry and what they did wasn’t nice, but when we are angry, we never hit anyone. We use our words to tell them that it wasn’t nice — but we never, ever hit.” Then let the kids work it out under parental supervision.

After the other child goes home, the parent should talk to the toddler. Let them know that when someone does something mean or hurtful to them, it is OK and normal to feel hurt and angry, but no matter what they did, it is never OK to hit them. Say, “Let’s think and practice how you can use your words next time instead of hitting, because hitting is unacceptable.” This will take time, of course, but repetition is key.

If this behavior continues, it could have serious legal ramifications for the child and family.

— Professional Insight

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DEAR PROFESSIONAL INSIGHT AND OTHERS WHO WROTE IN ABOUT THIS SCENARIO: This is such an important topic and such a poignant response that I decided to give it space rather than shorten your input.

Teaching children not to hit or fight is essential in our culture and may be difficult for some children. Your modeling advice is helpful. A parent’s job is critical in a situation like this as the child must learn proper behavior.

Partnering with the teacher and other school leadership is also important so that the child’s behavior can be addressed in the moment.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.