Harriette Cole: I’m being pressured to interfere in my brother’s messy breakup

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother and his wife are separated, and things have gotten messy.

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Harriette Cole: I called my friend out for acting strange, and she left the party

Because it seems that they have come to a standstill, his wife’s family has started reaching out to extended family members — including me — to encourage us to try to get them back together.

I don’t want to get involved. This is their business. I can’t imagine that there is anything I can say or do that will be helpful.

I’ve seen how these things play out: Family members share their opinions, and the next thing you know, bad feelings are now directed at you instead of the couple dealing with their stuff.

How can I let these people know that I want nothing to do with what’s happening between my brother and his wife?

— None of My Business

DEAR NONE OF MY BUSINESS: When you are approached, stop whoever is talking to you before they say too much, and explain that you are unwilling to discuss your brother and sister-in-law’s business. You wish the best for them and the family — whatever that is — but you will refrain from giving your opinion or your advice. Refuse to gossip about whatever is going on.

Call your brother and let him know what’s happening. Suggest that he and his wife come to terms before the family makes things even messier.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a friend through my work who moved away for a new job some years ago, and we lost contact.

I actually tried pretty hard to stay in touch with her, but she didn’t respond.

I saw her recently when she was in town, and we shared a warm greeting. She said she had been extremely busy with work and apologized for not being responsive. She seemed genuinely interested in reconnecting.

I would like to rekindle our friendship, but I worry that I will get my feelings hurt again if she remains distant. How should I handle this?

— Renewed Friendship

DEAR RENEWED FRIENDSHIP: Check your expectations before you reach out again.

What do you want and need to be fulfilled in this friendship? Did you have that with this person when the two of you were in the same town? Do you believe she has the capacity to offer that to you now? Can you reduce your expectations?

These are important questions for you to consider seriously so that you have clarity on what is likely to unfold.

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How often do you want to be able to communicate with this person? What amount of engagement will be acceptable to you? Once you figure that out, reach out to her.

First, ask for something manageable — perhaps a call to check in. Send her a text periodically letting her know you are thinking about her. See what unfolds naturally.

Some friendships live with little tending. Time goes by, and when friends connect, it feels good. In other instances, it can be disconcerting not to have more frequent engagement. You have to figure out what works in this friendship.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.