Miss Manners: She contaminated the soup and then got petulant with me

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once a month, I make a four-gallon pot of soup for my small church community.

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When planning the soup, I keep in mind the many food sensitivities that members of the community have, and still manage to serve a tasty variety of soups.

Today, a member served herself a large bowl of soup, seasoned it, took a few bites, then dumped the remainder of her soup back into the pot. I approached her and asked her why she had done that, and she said it was more than she could eat.

I told her she should have dumped the extra soup in the compost bucket. I told her to never do that again. She acted as though I was being rude.

For food safety, I should have dumped the entire pot of soup into the compost, but I did not. I warned another member that the soup was no longer free of the seasoning she is allergic to, and apologized because she looks forward to my allergen-free soup.

How should I have handled the culprit?

GENTLE READER: You should have been polite to the errant member. Perhaps you were, though your lack of interest in asserting that you were — and your use of words like “culprit” — make Miss Manners wonder.

A polite correction would still have allowed you to make the woman understand that her thoughtlessness meant other people were going to go hungry. But it would have been done with a sad tone, not an angry one — using phrases of apology, not confrontation.

It would also have emphasized consideration for church members with allergies, not your own anger about wasting the time you put into the preparation.

If apologizing to this culprit seems counterintuitive, Miss Manners asks you to consider the alternative: Do you want to be polite and change this person’s behavior? Or do you want to be rude — and, by going on the attack, give her a valid grievance?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have changed from working at a veterinary clinic in a lower socioeconomic area to one in a more affluent area.

I have noticed that when I refer my patients to the local specialist hospital, the hospital staff members are much more polite and respectful than they were when I called from my old clinic.

This upsets me on behalf of my previous clients, as they and their animals deserve the same treatment and respect as my new patients.

Is there a way to gently encourage the hospital staff to be less concerned with the status of the area that the patients are from?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but if you want to avoid being called naive about the fact that money talks, you will have to play naive.

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As a referring veterinarian, you will, at some point, be asked to share your thoughts on the hospital in question. No matter the form this takes — questionnaires from the hospital itself, informal discussions at your new clinic, whatever — include some negative examples about the facility’s customer service from your days at the old practice. Do so without mentioning where the patients involved were from.

Given your status, this will cause concern and follow-up from the hospital. Even if the reasons for the disparate treatment turn out not to be as simple as you suspect, the hospital staff will realize your new clinic is speaking for the broader community. Miss Manners suspects all patients and facilities will benefit from this realization.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.