Harriette Cole: I’m tempted to get back at my husband for the Chili’s dinner

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband’s birthday is coming up soon, and I’m torn about how to handle it.

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Last year, on my birthday, he completely forgot it was even happening until the evening. I tried to brush it off, but it really hurt. When he finally remembered, he quickly suggested we go out to eat, and we ended up at Chili’s.

Don’t get me wrong — I appreciate any effort, but it felt like such an afterthought, especially because I always go out of my way to make his birthdays feel special. I plan activities, I surprise him and I try to make the day meaningful.

Now that my husband’s birthday is around the corner, part of me feels like doing the same thing he did for me: waiting until the evening and then taking him somewhere super casual, just to see how he reacts. I know it might sound childish or even petty, but I feel like I’m constantly giving more effort than I receive, and I’m tired of it.

I don’t want to stoop to his level, but I also don’t want to keep setting the bar high for someone who doesn’t do the same in return.

Would it be completely immature if I did what he did for me last year, or is there a better way to make a point without being petty?

— Bad Birthday

DEAR BAD BIRTHDAY: Rather than fretting over what your husband doesn’t do, tell him what you would like him to do for you for your big day. Let this include whatever you feel makes your birthday special; you can even tell him what you’d like to receive as a gift.

Ask him to think about that as he plans your celebration next year. Make it clear that you expect him to do something to make you feel happy.

Does this spoil whatever surprise might come? Hopefully, it eliminates the possibility that your husband does nothing, because you will be reminding him in advance of your special day and alerting him to how to celebrate.

Don’t be petty with your husband’s birthday. Show him how you want your own birthday to be celebrated, and enjoy what you plan.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love to go to the beach and hang out in the sun. My spouse does not.

She has extremely sensitive skin, which is likely why she avoids the sun.

This is a bummer for me. When I think of things to do for fun in the summer, every idea involves being outside in the sun. She has the opposite thoughts.

How can I be more considerate of her without completely giving up my source of fun?

— Sun Worshipper

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DEAR SUN WORSHIPPER: Think about your spouse and yourself as you plan activities.

If you want to go to the beach, find a location that has cabana services so your spouse can be completely shaded as you sit nearby in the sun. Research garments with technology that blocks harmful rays, and make it possible for your spouse to be outside.

Look into fun outdoor activities that start after the sun goes down. Maybe she can visit a spa during the day while you sunbathe, and the two of you can dance at night under the stars, safe from harmful rays. Put your thinking cap on.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.