DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very dear friend is getting married in eight weeks. She and her betrothed compromised and negotiated a great deal to finalize the guest list, and 10 people didn’t make the cut.
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Unfortunately, she mistakenly invited those persons to her bridal shower.
I explained that they may feel slighted at being invited to the shower, but not the wedding. She now wants to contact these 10 people to explain the couple’s financial constraints and state that while the wedding guest list was final, these folks can forgo a shower gift because they are still participating in one small way.
I think this is like sending good money after bad. What can she possibly say to the 10 people — all of whom eagerly accepted the shower invite — to fix this?
GENTLE READER: It is true that Miss Manners is good at dressing up unpleasant information to be acceptable, but there are limits.
There is no polite way to say, “When we trimmed our guest list, you were the people we decided we could do without. But don’t worry: We won’t charge you admission to the shower.”
Rather, Miss Manners thinks your friend should take responsibility for her mistake. Maybe cut the flower budget or serve cheaper refreshments so that these people — who you say were eager to celebrate with her — can be invited to the wedding.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a journalist who covers politics. It’s exhausting, especially lately.
At social functions, friends, family and strangers often share their political opinions (which usually include plenty of misinformation). It often gets heated — everyone thinks they’re an expert.
Trying to change the subject rarely works. Is there a polite way to shut it down, other than just leaving?
GENTLE READER: Sadly, it has become difficult for anyone to have a civil and productive discussion of politics nowadays.
But Miss Manners notices that you can offer a polite excuse: “Sorry, but I deal with politics all day, and I need a break. Can you recommend a good movie or book about something else?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m single, and my sister is married with one teenage daughter. Whenever we go in on a gift for our parents, she expects me to pay half of the cost for the gift, while she pays the other half.
To me, the cost should be split four ways. She accused me of being cheap.
What do you think? By the way, I have stopped going in on gifts with her.
GENTLE READER: So you have solved the problem. Miss Manners is glad to be of (unnecessary) help.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often struggle with finding the right time to serve the meal at a dinner party.
Should it be as soon as all the guests have arrived? Or maybe when all the appetizers are gone?
Should we set a time in the invitation and start eating then, even if not everyone is there yet? I’ve also heard you should wait one hour after guests arrive.
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GENTLE READER: Well, you don’t want to rush people to the table the minute they arrive. But if you wait until all the appetizers are gone, your hungry guests will be nibbling on the napkins.
You want to serve dinner as soon as it is ready, but also leave a reasonable margin to allow for varying traffic and weather conditions.
Miss Manners suggests aiming for 45 minutes after your stated starting time for the party. Give or take.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
