DEAR ABBY: I’m an older gay male with many gay friends. I have never come out to family, although I’m confident most of them know or suspect my sexual orientation.
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I invited my cousin and her husband to a small get-together before an event near where I live. I also invited a few close (gay) friends who were attending the event.
I’m fairly close with this cousin but have never talked about my sexual orientation with her.
One of my friends is very open about his life and I asked him politely to refrain from talking about it when meeting my cousin and her husband for the first time. He agreed, although he was a bit taken aback. He later called me a “homophobe.”
Was I wrong to ask that those personal details not be a part of the conversation?
— DISCREET IN THE EAST
DEAR DISCREET: You state that you suspect that some of your family members are aware of your sexual orientation. You have the right to invite anyone you wish to your social gatherings, but having done so, you shouldn’t attempt to censor who they are.
Because you have some gay people at a party does not necessarily mean you are gay, too. That said, this might have been a missed opportunity for you to open that closet door a few inches wider.
DEAR ABBY: I am a college student finishing up my final year.
There’s this girl I have liked since my sophomore year. Unfortunately, things didn’t pan out. After I asked if we could hang out one-on-one, she explained that she didn’t like romance.
We ended up being friends. However, I have noticed we are hanging out less and less often, and I’m usually the one making the effort. It bothers me because we get along quite well, and when we do hang out, it’s for a long time. We have good conversations and have shared personal stories.
The last time we were together, I told her I would leave the initiative with her, and she should tell me when she next wanted to get together. That was two months ago, and I’m getting the feeling she probably isn’t going to ask me. It makes me really sad.
If by the end of the semester she doesn’t reach out, should I send her a message expressing my disappointment but wishing her well? Or should I ask if I could meet her once more before leaving? (I doubt I will see her again after graduation.)
I suppose this would be going back on my word about leaving it up to her, but I don’t want to feel regret.
— SMITTEN IN INDIANA
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DEAR SMITTEN: From what you have written, this young woman has been trying to let you down gently, but her message hasn’t gotten through. She is not interested in a romance with you.
What do you think you would accomplish by asking to see her “one more time”? Speaking as an unbiased spectator, it could be awkward for her and painful for you.
If you would like to text her a message wishing her well, it might be a better way to close this chapter of your life.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
