DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin decided to plan a family reunion this year. We have a large family spread throughout a few states and a few countries.
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My cousin refused to allow anyone else in the family to help her plan this grandiose reunion, despite several people asking. It was a huge undertaking, and in the end, there were a lot of missteps.
Many people were offended because they didn’t even know it was happening, and the actual event was all over the place.
I tried debriefing with her a few days later about what I thought could help the next time around, and she snapped on me. I explained that I, as well as others, would love to be a part of the planning so that she doesn’t have to be responsible for so many moving parts, and she accused me of being negative and judgmental.
How can you reason with someone who is determined to be a solo act and is averse to criticism?
— Family Reunion
DEAR FAMILY REUNION: It may be too soon for your cousin to be able to hear the critique that you have to offer her. Wait a bit.
Meanwhile, speak to a few of your family members who are interested in helping out next time. When you speak to your cousin again, talk about the future. Make it clear that the event needs a team effort, and those assembled want to be on the team.
Thank your cousin for getting the ball rolling this year, but be firm that it is not OK for her to go solo again. There are too many details for one person to handle on her own.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My partner and I work in the same field: media production. Work has been scarce as of late; either there are limited positions or limited funding, and both affect all parties involved.
For about a year, my partner struggled to get booked for a show, and I held us both up. Supporting the two of us financially was not easy, but it was a walk in the park compared to what my partner needed emotionally during that trying time.
Fast forward, and the roles have reversed. I haven’t been booked for a show in a long time, and I ended up taking a job at a school just to secure income.
I am miserable, and my partner doesn’t have the patience to deal with me. He says that his financial support should speak volumes. I do appreciate him; I just wish he could realize how sad I feel right now. If he would just slow down and hug me or listen to me, it would mean the world.
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I’ve told him this, but it seems like he’d rather avoid my feelings and the emotional conversations. I just feel alone.
— At a Loss
DEAR AT A LOSS: It seems that your partner does not have the emotional intelligence that you have. You are needing something from him that he cannot readily provide.
That doesn’t mean you should stop telling him your needs. It does mean that you should figure out other ways to take care of yourself. Join a support group in your industry. Talk to a trusted friend about your situation when you need to unwind. Continue to tell your partner what you need from him — one thing at a time.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
