Dear Eric: My father’s side has always hosted holiday meals. Now my parents are gone; my generation is in our 60s and 70s, and our kids are in their 20s and 30s.
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My cousin has taken over and puts on a great celebration.
With COVID and the death of her mother she did not host/invite us, which hurt our feelings because we enjoyed the time to see everyone.
I reached out in 2023 to see if we offended someone; she said no and invited us all over. She did not in 2024. Again, hurt feelings.
While I am not going to reach out and beg again, I am at the point of writing off that side, especially when we have a wedding coming up (October 2026). The wedding will be very expensive per plate. If we invite them, we’d be inviting 12 of them.
Should I wait to see what happens this year for Thanksgiving?
– Uninvited Family
Dear Family: It’s helpful to think about this from her side. Hosting is a big job and, even when gladly undertaken, can be challenging.
Also, as you noted, things shifted dramatically globally and in her personal world, so holidays may have an added layer of grief. I wouldn’t take it personally. Her mother died and she didn’t host a huge family dinner; it’s not about you.
You write that you enjoy showing up and have hurt feelings when she doesn’t host, but I don’t see mention of things you’re doing to gather your family, including her. Your father’s side traditionally hosts, but you’re part of your father’s side, too. There’s an opportunity for you to share responsibility.
To that end, this wedding seems like a perfect time to welcome your family with open arms. Yes, adding 12 people is expensive “per plate,” but how many free plates have you enjoyed over the years?
It’s not tit for tat, but sometimes if we want to see loved ones, we have to make the invitation.
Dear Eric: I was recently in a pretty bad car accident. I was knocked unconscious among other things.
My first memory is waking up in the hospital, not knowing what was going on, and having a nurse ask me if I wanted anything for the pain. I said no. Then the nurse stepped out in the hallway and yelled, “He’s a tough guy; doesn’t want any pain meds.”
This was brought up to me later in my two-week hospital stay, that I was trying to be a tough guy.
I don’t even know how to respond to that, nor do I think I’ve ever had a high tolerance for pain.
– No Pain
Dear Pain: It’s clear there was a miscommunication there. It behooved the nurse to treat you with respect and care. And let’s say that your response was more brusque than you’ve characterized it here – you also had a head injury so you may not have been fully yourself.
Empathy and clear communication go a long way, especially in the realm of pain management.
Many people find that their pain is underreported or downplayed in some medical situations. Studies have shown that elderly people, women and non-white people experience undertreatment of pain at a disproportionate rate. So, it can be helpful to have a loved one or friend with you to help advocate and communicate on your behalf.
Empathy is also needed in the reverse. According to a survey conducted by National Nurses United, the nation’s largest union of registered nurses, a shocking 81.6% of nurses experienced workplace violence in 2023. When we show up on our worst days at a hospital or urgent care, it’s crucial to remember that nurses and other healthcare workers are the remedy, not the cause of our pain. And they work incredibly hard, often for far less money than they should.
If a patient isn’t feeling heard or respected, that’s the time to bring in another person – another member of staff, a loved one.
Dear Eric: In response to “Avoiding Condo Boorishness,” who was having trouble navigating some difficult personalities and disrespect as the secretary of the condo board, can I offer some advice I received from my dad when I joined my condo board at just 24 years old?
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At the time I was struck by the “big fish, little pond” phenomenon, and my dad told me that the best thing I can do in those moments is to think, “I’m so sorry that this is the most important thing in your life.”
Over the years, across service on several personal and professional boards, I have found that to be an incredibly useful way to get through the pettiness that seems to be specific to these situations.
– Over Board
Dear Board: I love an internal mantra that doesn’t create conflict but can help to right-size a difficult situation.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
