Asking Eric: It was a compliment! Why should my friend resent being compared to a celebrity?

Dear Eric: I have known my friend Steve for more than 10 years. He is a different race than me, but race has never been an issue until recently.

Asking Eric: My employees have revolted against me, and it’s embarrassing to come to work

Asking Eric: Does the cousin who hurt my feelings get to come to the expensive wedding?

Asking Eric: I come back from a run and he’s eating fries. Is there hope for us?

Asking Eric: These friends don’t mix well with others but they pester us to be invited

Asking Eric: I’m dismayed by my Christian granddaughter’s personal style

I texted him to compliment him on how his looks, personality and family life remind me of a well-known actor who is a well-respected family man and good-looking. It was a compliment.

He responded by telling me that he was offended by the racist comment and to retract the comment.

I refuse because the actor has done nothing illegal, has a good character, is a positive family man, is a good actor and is nice-looking — all characteristics Steve has.

I’m at a loss. How do I respond?

– Compliment

Dear Compliment: It seems easiest to tell Steve, “I meant no harm by what I said and I’m sorry that it offended you.” Not only is this the truth, but it doesn’t needlessly prolong a conflict that doesn’t really impact either of you.

It’s clear that either Steve doesn’t see the actor in the same way or doesn’t think that he resembles the actor. If that’s the case, then your compliment may come across as an indication that you don’t see him in all his complexity. Maybe this has happened before with others and you’re getting the blowback from it. Who knows.

You don’t need to belabor the point, but saying “sorry” and moving on will free you both.

And, if you can both move on, you can – if you want – ask him to tell you more about his reaction to the actor. But it’s not really about the actor, or your feelings about the actor. It’s about your friendship and the opportunity to get to know Steve better.

Asking a friend, “why do you think that?” – in a non-charged way – or “can you tell me more about your feelings?” can open up the door to great conversation and new understanding all around.

Dear Eric: Our next-door neighbor is a longtime university professor who is well-known in his field.

We have been neighbors for many years, and we all get along well. He lives alone.

An irritating habit of his is to stop by and launch into long-winded stories about some mundane event in his present or past life or to pontificate about a current event. He fancies himself as a raconteur and because he is used to having a lecture hall of students listening to him (supposedly), he thinks we also should be entertained and enthralled by his musings. We aren’t.

It is particularly annoying because he never asks about anything going on in our lives. Another mutual friend is equally frustrated with him.

Do you have any suggestions to deal with this? It doesn’t happen frequently enough to demand a strong response that might damage our friendship.

– No More Long Wind

Dear Wind: It may be effective to catch him in the moment and redirect. “Hold that thought; we were in the middle of a different conversation, if you’d like to join us.” Something like that.

Or you can ask him a question that moves him off of the pontification. Or you can simply say, “Would you give me the CliffsNotes?”

A good raconteur knows a good story is not much without a good audience. And a good audience is different from “literally anybody who is within earshot.”

Because you don’t want to make a big deal out of it, you don’t need to address the content of his mini-speeches, if you don’t want to. But it’s a good idea to gently but clearly adjust the expectation.

If he finds that every time he shows up, he’s being redirected or invited into another kind of conversation, he may start to understand his audience in a different way. He may understand that he doesn’t need to do this performance at all. Indeed, you’re not actually his audience – you’re his friends.

Dear Eric: I chuckled out loud when I read the letter from “Giftless,” who was angry that their daughter didn’t get wedding gifts from some friends who weren’t invited to the wedding.

A few years ago, the son of one of my best friends got married in a small ceremony at a destination spot. We were not invited, understandably.

Harriette Cole: She pretended not to notice that she’d stained my dress

Miss Manners: I was afraid the other customer was going to hit me

Dear Abby: The bride’s mother thinks the wedding was ruined? She needs to apologize.

Asking Eric: My employees have revolted against me, and it’s embarrassing to come to work

Dear Abby: The neighbors took my husband to dinner, and I was left behind

As I’ve known this man since he was a small child, my husband and I sent a card and generous check, just because we were happy for them. His mom called me the week after and said, “Why in the world did you send them a gift? You weren’t even invited!”

Couldn’t be more different than the letter writer. Just goes to show people can have many different takes on a situation/event!

– “Gift-ful”

Dear Gift-ful: Exactly! Different strokes for different folks. Gifts are expressions of love and affection, not debts owed for invitations.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.