DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger brother got married last year. This is his first marriage, and he’s in his 50s.
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In some ways, I think getting married later can be a bit easier: You know what you want, you know your boundaries, and you are likely more established (professionally and financially).
I think in some ways that rang true for my brother, but I think after they made things official, his wife has shown him different sides of herself.
She moved into my brother’s longtime home when they got married and is now requesting that he purchase something new with more space — despite having two spare bedrooms in their current home. She works full-time but does not want to contribute to any bills.
My brother seems somber. He’ll talk to me about the pressure sometimes, but he tries his best not to express anger or resentment. He’d been planning for early retirement but is now reworking his plans with the intention of staying in the workforce a bit longer.
How can I support my brother as he tries to handle this new pressure gracefully?
— Sister-in-Law
DEAR SISTER-IN-LAW: While marriage does require compromise, not every requirement or request has to be honored. It’s too bad that your brother and his wife didn’t talk about these things beforehand and map out a plan for the future, especially something as important as where they want to live.
Obviously, you cannot control what he does, but you might recommend to him that the two of them sit down and review their goals for the future based on available resources, needs and desires. It seems reasonable that if she wants them to buy a bigger house, she should be willing to contribute.
This is their life, though, and they must determine responsibilities and choices.
DEAR HARRIETTE: You advised “Working Hard,” the man who was in a “high-demand environment,” to tell his girlfriend that his job requires him to give 100%.
That leaves 0% for others — or even himself.
That may be OK if it is time-boxed (for example, if the boss says, “We have a new client and will be hiring a team member to take the extra work”) and he has learned from this how to better manage his capacity and how to meet client expectations.
But if he cannot figure out how to get his life back into some balance — e.g., hire a partner, set clearer expectations with new clients, learn to say no or negotiate vs. automatically saying yes to a client and therefore no to his girlfriend — he should not be pretending to be in a relationship and should let her go on with her life until he is established and ready to be present in a relationship.
— Response to ‘Working Hard’
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DEAR RESPONSE TO ‘WORKING HARD’: Good point. My suggestion of supporting him during this critical moment was based on a short-term vision, not forever.
There are many professions that require total immersion for a limited period of time. If a partner is willing to wait that out and be there for the hard worker, life can be sweet afterward.
You are right: This type of total immersion cannot last forever, at least not for a relationship to survive.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
