DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative of mine died suddenly in her apartment. She lived alone, and sadly it was several days before she was found, along with her dog (who is doing fine).
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The person who discovered her body was a security guard in her building; he had a warm but professionally distanced relationship with my relative and her dog.
He’s been very kind and helpful through the post-death process of managing my relative’s apartment, and I get the sense that the experience of finding her in the apartment was difficult for him.
My family intends to send the security guard a heartfelt card thanking him for all he’s done and for being a kind and frequent presence in my relative’s life. But I wonder if something more substantial is warranted — a gift card, check or donation to a favorite cause in his name, perhaps (though I don’t know him well enough to speculate what a favorite cause might be).
Is there etiquette for this kind of thing?
GENTLE READER: Etiquette for what you should send the person who discovers your deceased relative? No. Any sort of monetary present will feel inadequate.
Miss Manners encourages you instead to put the energy into that letter, thanking the gentleman profusely for attending to such a monumental and potentially harrowing situation with so much grace.
Although, now that she thinks of it, a good bottle of wine might not be remiss.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a longtime friend who has a habit of waiting until the last minute to confirm plans or even make them.
One Sunday morning, she asked me if I would like to come over and go for a walk sometime that week and then stay for dinner. I said, “Does Wednesday work for you? It looks like the weather will be OK that day.”
On Tuesday night at 8:30, she responded, “We can’t go tomorrow now because I’ve been called about getting a CT scan done for my implant.”
She has been doing this for at least 20 years. How do I kindly tell her that what she is doing is not respectful without getting her mad?
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GENTLE READER: If she has been getting scans on her implant for 20 years, there might really be something wrong here. But if what you meant is that she has been coming up with 20 years’ worth of emergency excuses, Miss Manners suggests you say, with a worried tone, “I have to tell you: I am afraid to make plans with you. Every time we do, something perilous comes up. I do not wish to put you in any danger!”
As for making those annoying last-minute plans? Consider that perhaps she is familiar with her own proclivity to cancel and actually wants to hold herself accountable. It does not mean you have to like it, but if you want to see her, it might be the only way.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
