DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend called me asking if she could crash at my place that same day. I thought that was super-rude.
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She was visiting someone else but didn’t want to stay at that house because her other friend has a husband and two children, and I have more room.
I felt very uncomfortable with her just unexpectedly telling me she wanted to stay at my place instead of getting a hotel room. She can afford it; money is not an issue.
Friends need to understand my house is not a crash pad. This is my sanctuary. It’s not an emergency.
GENTLE READER: Then why are you treating this as an etiquette emergency?
Of course it is your house, which is why it should be easy to tell a friend, “I’m so sorry, but that won’t work. I hope you find something.”
Miss Manners hates to think of the trouble people might get into if manners required them to yield to every proposition made to them.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I dine out often. I use my napkin and have good manners, but even so, there are times that I apparently get small particles of food on my face.
When this happens, my husband thinks it’s fun to play “food-on-your-face charades.” He will point to his own face to let me know that there is a problem, then when I use my napkin to clean it up, he will say “wrong side” and point to another place on his face.
This can go on three or four times until I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated.
GENTLE READER: And that amuses him?
Miss Manners has no trouble solving your surface problem: Carry a small mirror in your purse, and check your face yourself. But you might want to consider that the underlying problem also requires attention.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude, or at least unprofessional, for my urologist to never address me by name and instead use the word “pal”? For example: “Hey, pal,” or “Take it easy, pal.”
He is about 30 years my junior, but I have other doctors younger than him who do not do this. At first, I thought this was a generational thing of “being cool” or whatever. But now it just disgusts me, and I’m on the cusp of cutting ties.
GENTLE READER: It is supposed to be cute. Like you, Miss Manners doesn’t much care for cute.
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Miss Manners: Should the boss go to the wedding despite this rudeness?
However, she has noticed that there is hardly a way of addressing people formally without the risk of causing offense.
Sometimes it is just the use of formality, as when a person addressed as “mister” says, “That makes me feel old.” More often, it is the choice of title, as when a professional title is omitted, or a lady is infuriated because someone guesses wrong about whether she prefers Miss, Ms. or Mrs.
Miss Manners is sorry to see honorifics disappearing, because they indicate respect, distinguish between professional and social relationships, and establish stages of intimacy. But unless everyone calms down, she understands why it is easier to use kindergarten forms.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
