Dear Eric: My cat died in 2013. Everyone said I treated him like a child. He got so sick, so suddenly, it freaked me out so badly.
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Then my dad died out of nowhere in 2018. I wanted to die to be with him, because he was my best friend.
Now I’m afraid I’ll lose anyone at any time. I have OCD and all my rituals are focused around keeping my mom, sister, husband and current cats safe and alive. I text my mom constantly, and if she doesn’t answer for a few hours, I panic.
I’ve started crying and hyperventilating if she didn’t send her usual “I’m OK” morning text by the time she always does; I’m ready to drive to her apartment, prepared to find her body.
How do I ever stop this?
Please don’t say to see a therapist. I had one for many years, then she left the practice. I don’t have the energy to start all over again with someone new. I’d seen at least 13 or 14 before her, and they mostly sucked. I’m not interested in trying again, plus, I have very, very little free time due to my work schedule and having so many doctor’s appointments for all the health problems I have.
But my OCD about this is getting so much worse. So, any advice you have on how to stop obsessively worrying about everyone dying is appreciated.
– Want to Stop Worrying
Dear Worrying: I understand how exhausting starting over in therapy can be. But, from what you’ve written, it’s clear that some form of intervention is needed.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and its symptoms can be treated with psychotherapy, but also with medication and, sometimes, intensive outpatient programs. So, since you’re already working with medical providers, talk with them about your other options.
You’re also navigating an intense amount of grief right now. While you may not get everything you need from a local or online grief support group, please seek one out. It’s imperative that you have options for processing the emotions you’re feeling. Your anticipatory grief is directly tied to the grief you have related to your cat and your father.
We can’t cure grief – it’s a process all its own and everyone’s is unique. But you can change your relationship to it so that it has less power over your thoughts and your actions. It is possible to find relief.
Dear Eric: I am ashamed to admit it, but I hate my three stepchildren.
The daughter is the prime antagonist. Let’s call her Mabel. She is the overwhelming example of a narcissistic personality: self-absorbed, dramatic, unable to walk in anyone else’s shoes.
At first, her young brothers were much more welcoming to me, but they were always standoffish when their sister was present. Not even a smile when the self-anointed queen bee was there.
Unfortunately, all hell broke loose when my husband and I had to have unexpected major surgery in the same week.
Despite our wish to be surrounded by family during our recovery, Mabel had every excuse under the sun why she couldn’t visit or help out. Yet, she called her dad every day to ask him many personal questions related to our finances and her expected inheritance.
This hurt my husband and me to the core. He’s always been a devoted father.
No matter how I documented how rude and mean his children were being, my husband couldn’t man up. He’d ask me, “What am I to do? I don’t want to alienate them by begging them to be kinder to you. I love you but don’t ask me to choose.”
I told him that the problem is I cannot stand to be in the same room as her.
Do you think my stand is too harsh? I welcome your thoughts on how I might mend this situation before it spirals further out of control.
– Not the Wicked Stepmother
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Dear Stepmother: Your husband’s fear that he’ll alienate his children by asking them to be kinder to you is frustrating. Kindness, or even civility, is not a hard ask and it’s often imperative in blended families for a parent to set an expectation and manage complicated emotions.
But, for better or worse, this is the relationship he has with his children. So, you’ll find more peace by accepting that you have a separate relationship. You may not be able to get away with not being in the same room as Mabel, but putting up a healthy internal boundary may look like being cordial but uninvolved.
This may also mean putting away the document of offenses. Your goal isn’t to convince your husband his kids are mean. Your goal is to keep whatever is going on between them from bleeding into your relationship with him.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
