DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught from a young age that when a close friend or family member has experienced a loss, the appropriate thing to do is to be there for support.
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Depending on the person, this might include sharing stories about the deceased, bringing over a casserole, helping with child care, holding their hand while they cry, or whatever the griever needs.
I have tried to be there for my friends, not only because of this lesson, but because I genuinely want to help them at a difficult time.
However, when I experienced a loss, I was shocked that others had very different reactions to my situation. Though there were a few friends who did support me, many made it clear from day one that they weren’t emotionally available.
One had experienced her own recent loss, and I understood she was emotionally taxed herself. But the others’ lack of support shocked me. These were close friends I’d known for years who seemingly had no interest in supporting me.
I was told that what I was asking was presumptuous, unkind and insensitive; that I needed to recognize that everyone has their own burdens and do not want the responsibility of mine; that I needed to seek out a professional’s help, a support group and maybe medication to “get over it.”
I wasn’t asking for hours-long phone conversations or for friends to become my therapist. I simply wanted a little support now and again. Is that too much to ask?
GENTLE READER: New (and unpleasant) as is your realization, you need only look to the many cliches about fair-weather friends to recognize that the problem itself is ancient — so ancient, in fact, it may even predate the idea that one could pay a professional to listen to one’s problems.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I took a cross-country flight, during which I was assigned the middle seat.
The gentleman seated by the window insisted on asking me about my relationship with Jesus, showing me photos on his cellphone and trying to engage me in conversation, while I was very pointedly trying to watch a movie.
The flight was full, so moving to a different seat was not an option. I provided short, polite responses and tried to focus on my movie without encouraging further conversation, but kept getting interrupted.
What response would be best to effectively shut down conversation without offending the other person?
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GENTLE READER: When you say you were very pointedly watching the movie, Miss Manners understands you to mean that, in spite of the brevity of your answers, your lack of engagement and the unspoken revolt inside your head, you were still relying on a well-intentioned person to take a hint.
This man was not, and did not.
The next step would therefore have been to say, “Please excuse me, but I would like to watch the movie.” While this may not come naturally to the demure who are wary of being explicit, it is sometimes necessary.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
