DEAR MISS MANNERS: The first time my friend left me waiting for her for an hour when we had plans to meet for lunch, I expressed my displeasure.
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She defended herself with the same excuses she used in her texts to me: She’d been running late; she’d run into traffic. In the texts, she repeatedly said — sometimes at 15-minute intervals — that she would be there in 5 minutes.
The second time I had plans to meet her for lunch, I waited 15 minutes, then left the restaurant.
She was furious and told me it was rude not to tell her I had a deadline. From her point of view, I had changed the rules on her.
My partner and I invited a couple to our home to watch a movie. I never heard from them, despite making the invitation by email, text and phone call, and asking them to RSVP. When we heard nothing, we changed our plans.
It was awkward when they showed up at our door. We were not expecting guests; they were intent on seeing the movie.
When I told them we couldn’t possibly have them in, they said I should have told them.
Perhaps I was to include a sentence saying, “If I don’t hear from you, this invitation is rescinded”? Am I supposed to include consequences in all my communications?
GENTLE READER: No, you need only demonstrate them, as you have done.
Miss Manners would like to think that these friends will have now learned that your invitations — and patience — are not infinite. But sadly, you and she both know better.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I frequently entertain a small group of friends for light appetizers and dinner.
One friend usually arrives with a tobacco pouch in his mouth and places it on his dinner plate while he dines. He will insert another pouch after dinner but before dessert.
When I clear the table, I find the pouches on his dinner plate as well as his dessert plate. I have even found one of these foul things on a linen cocktail napkin in my living room.
I place the pouches in the trash, where they tend to provide a foul odor to our kitchen until the can is emptied.
Is there a way to let our friend know that I’d rather he take his used tobacco pouches home with him rather than have them foul our table and trash can?
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GENTLE READER: He has given you a present. Now it is your turn: Next time he is at your house, give him his very own used-tobacco holder.
Mind you, Miss Manners has no idea if such a thing exists, but imagines something the size of a mint tin with a lid on it, or a snack-sized baggie. If you are crafty, you could even decorate it to make it more presentable. At least the first time.
At subsequent gatherings, or when he inevitably forgets the original, keep extras on hand that are less decorative and more readily disposable. Or tell him that your house is not only a nonsmoking area, but a tobacco-free one.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
