Harriette Cole: My twins are getting snappish over college acceptance

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a mother of twin daughters who are graduating from high school this year and preparing to head off to college.

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They both dreamed of going to the University of Notre Dame, and they worked hard throughout high school to make it happen. When the acceptance letters came in, one of them made it. The other, unfortunately, did not. She was devastated.

We encouraged her to enroll in a local community college with the plan to transfer to Notre Dame in a year or two if things go well. She agreed to this, but ever since the decisions came out, there’s been a lot of tension in our home.

The daughter who got in is trying not to make a big deal out of it, but she’s obviously excited and proud. The one who didn’t get in feels left behind, and I can tell she’s battling feelings of rejection, jealousy and low self-worth. They’ve been snapping at each other more often and keeping their distance.

How can I support them both in this difficult transition without adding more pressure or making one feel smaller than the other?

— Twin Blues

DEAR TWIN BLUES: Did your daughter apply to any other schools? Colleges are so competitive that it is wise to cast a wide net so that you have choices.

If she has any other acceptance offers, encourage her to focus on those. If not, community college for sure — but not necessarily with her only goal being a transfer to Notre Dame. What is she interested in? What schools specialize in those passions?

This may be a pivotal moment for both of them to gain some independence from each other. Yes, it will be hard at first, but not going to the same school may turn out to be exactly what they need.

Meanwhile, encourage your daughter to think about her future and plot out a plan. Now is the time to take charge of her life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think my husband has decided to convert to a new religion.

He hasn’t come out and said it officially, but I see some of the books he’s reading, certain things he’s cut out of his diet and holidays he no longer celebrates.

We’ve been married for about three years, and we’ve always been religious people, but for as long as we’ve known each other, we had practiced the same faith and shared the same beliefs.

Before we got married, we discussed and agreed on what things we would teach our children and what things we would allow them to figure out on their own. Now that he’s converting, I am worried about our son and what that means for him.

I think my husband has the same concern, and that is what has been keeping him from telling me explicitly about his new faith. What should I do?

— Family Faith

DEAR FAMILY FAITH: I can see that you are afraid, but now is the time to speak up.

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Tell your husband that you have noticed different patterns in his practices and faith. Ask him what is going on and whether he is considering converting to a religion that is different from what the two of you practiced together.

Be genuinely curious; this will allow him to open up with less trepidation.

If it is true, you will have to figure out how to stay with him when he’s actively pursuing another way of engaging the world.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.