Harriette Cole: The day care worker regretted her bad advice about my child

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I read the letter from “Day Care Woes,” in which the mother said her son can’t stop crying when dropped off at day care, I was reminded of my own experience with a child who wouldn’t stop crying.

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I was a single mother. When I dropped off my 2-year-old daughter at day care, she wouldn’t stop crying unless I held and comforted her for 20 to 30 minutes — and sometimes longer. I didn’t want to leave her in emotional distress.

After each day’s comforting, eventually my daughter would stop crying and be comfortable enough to walk away.

Every day, the day care worker told me to “just leave.” She said my daughter would be all right eventually. But I trusted my intuition and continued to stay as long as needed. I arrived early enough to comfort my daughter and not be late to work.

After a month, my daughter no longer needed comforting and would run happily into the caretaker’s house.

Six months later, the caretaker apologized, saying her advice had been wrong. Turns out another of her charges had been doing the same thing — crying inconsolably at being dropped off — and the caretaker had given the mother the same advice to just leave him and he’ll get over it. But even after months, he hadn’t gotten over it and would cry for a long time after being dropped off.

The caretaker said she was sorry she’d ever given the advice to the other mother because it now looked like the crying was never going to end.

I wonder if “Day Care Woes” was also given bad advice, and if she only needs to take the time to comfort her son each day until he calms down. I imagine that being moved from day care to day care is upsetting the boy as well.

His continual crying could be something else, but it might be worth a try.

— Second Opinion

DEAR SECOND OPINION: Great illustration of the value of trusting your gut.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m working as a nanny for a family I really enjoy. The position has been a good fit. The child is wonderful, the hours are manageable and I’ve developed a positive relationship with the rest of family.

However, there’s one issue that’s starting to create some stress for me: Part of my responsibilities include driving the child to and from school, activities and playdates, all using my personal car.

When I accepted the job, I assumed that any driving expenses — like gas and wear and tear on my vehicle — would be reimbursed, which has been standard in past nanny jobs. However, when I brought up the subject of gas reimbursement with the parents, they brushed it off and said they weren’t willing to cover those costs.

While I enjoy working with this family, I can’t afford to cover the cost of gas out of my own pocket.

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I feel stuck between wanting to continue in a job I love and needing to advocate for fair compensation for my work and expenses. What should I do?

— Expenses Paid

DEAR EXPENSES PAID: Let the family know that as much as you love your job and their child, you cannot afford to finance the child’s transportation.

If they are unwilling to pay for their child’s rides, you will need to find another job. Start looking as they consider their options.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.