Miss Manners: I’m rebuked when I dare to stray from the parents’ list of approved gifts

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a 1-year-old grandchild who lives 90 miles from us. Our frustration comes from the parents advising us to purchase gifts only from their curated wish list.

Miss Manners: My secret lover died, and the family has been making pointed inquiries about me

Miss Manners: How can I work with these people now that I know they tattle on me?

Miss Manners: I refuse to yield my Father’s Day rights to my selfish son-in-law

Miss Manners: The wedding dinner is for couples only, but I can’t invite a dead man

Miss Manners: Can I put a sign in my bathroom for one particular guest?

They strongly defend the list as their “knowing what’s best” for their child. I have twice been rebuked for varying from said items, once by brand and once by color. It’s nearly impossible to get the exact item requested, given the endless choices of children’s products out there.

When receiving a thank-you, the items that weren’t from the list are not mentioned.

Last Christmas, we were forced to keep an item that cost $100 because the parents had bought their own version for their child, and it was too late for us to return ours.

You can imagine our surprise when we visited them and saw our grandchild playing with some plastic toys, which we had been told were unacceptable.

We feel the joy of shopping for our young grandchild has been completely usurped, and we don’t relish having to do so for many years to come. Should we accept this disheartened feeling and follow the list to keep the peace?

GENTLE READER: No, please resist. Miss Manners does not wish to live in a world in which the registry bullies win.

You might tell the parents, “We enjoy getting things for Graham, and while you know what’s best for him, we like to have a little fun with it, too. Perhaps while he is young, we will just stick to experiences — like taking him to the park when we are in town — instead of giving him presents.”

As he gets older, Graham will surely start to have his own opinions about what he likes to play with. And you can start to form your ideas more directly from the toddler’s mouth.

[A letter apparently from the same grandparent was answered recently in the Asking Eric column. Eric had different advice.]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was extremely fortunate: My tumor was removed and I did not require radiation or chemo.

I have my screenings yearly and all has been well. Am I a “cancer survivor”?

I never want to take anything away from someone who had a much more difficult battle than I did. I don’t want to use the term incorrectly.

GENTLE READER: First of all, Miss Manners would like to say how fortunate it is that you are now well. Even the mildest forms of cancer are frightening.

Now for the admonishment:

Are you (and the rest of the world) under the impression that cancer is a competition? Or worse, a war to be fought?

Dear Abby: I finally found out why he has been hiding his hair

Asking Eric: Now I know why we never met at her house

Harriette Cole: Is there a way to compromise on having a baby?

Miss Manners: My secret lover died, and the family has been making pointed inquiries about me

Dear Abby: What do I look like, the Cheesecake Factory?

Metaphors like “losing,” “fighting,” “succumbing” or even “surviving” the “battle” add a stigma to a situation that was never a fair contest.

Miss Manners would prefer that any such label be dispensed with altogether.

If it comes up in conversation, you simply say that you had cancer, and that now, thankfully, you are doing well. That is as much of a description as is necessary.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.