Dear Eric: My daughter’s friend from childhood, Lucy, now 24 years old, had lifelong issues with her physically and mentally abusive parents.
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Lucy always looked up to me as a successful single father, raising two daughters on my own, my other being 17 now and about to enter her senior year in high school.
Lucy moved in with her mother, but they had issues, and Lucy is no longer welcome to live with her. She came back to town, basically homeless, and asked if she could stay a while. I gave her permission as long as she helps with house chores and doesn’t smoke or vape, drink, or upset the household.
She at first slept on our living room couch and got a part-time job, and I hoped this would be a short-term thing.
After one month, she moved into my oldest daughter’s former bedroom. Now this has developed into a negative situation.
She got fired from the job. She does minimal chores, only if prodded, and has taken on a nasty disposition. She goes back and forth into my yard to smoke and vape and doesn’t acknowledge me except to argue that she’s not a slave and can’t wait to leave when she is able.
I know what has to be done, but I feel bad for her. My youngest daughter wants me to have a “conversation” to get her out. Any advice on how to do this without craziness?
– No-Good-Deed Dad
Dear Dad: Sometimes good deeds need good parameters and, yes, consequences.
You have a surrogate parental relationship with Lucy, but in fact you’re not her father and so you’re stuck in a kind of limbo when it comes to guidance and authority. That’s tough.
However, Lucy’s behavior is creating a disruptive environment for your younger daughter; that should take precedence. Your younger daughter doesn’t have a recourse here – this is her home and she’s still a minor. So, I would take seriously her request that you have a conversation.
There are resources available to Lucy, from employment and housing assistance programs to job placement services to free or low-cost mental health counseling.
When you talk to her make it clear that the rules she agreed to aren’t being followed (use concrete examples). The solution could be her leaving, or it could be a modification of the living arrangement with very clear boundaries and very clear consequences.
Lucy is an adult and can be responsible for her actions and the consequences thereof, even though the abuse she’s suffered is putting a roadblock in her path to success. There is a way out, but yet another contentious home environment is not helping her as much as you want it to.
Dear Eric: My husband of 11 years has two daughters and a son, all successful with families of their own. The daughters live several hours away, the son out west.
My husband has recently been in the hospital several times. Not once did his daughters come to visit him.
He’s a good father; he loves them and sends cards and gifts. He gave them a good life. I don’t get it.
I know he feels bad. What’s the solution?
Dear Eric: I’m a happily married woman who talks to a gay guy who frequently walks in my neighborhood.
We have so much in common. I recently gave him some plants from my garden, and we’ve texted a bit. Simply put, I enjoy his company.
He seems receptive to starting a friendship with me. He said I could stop by his house sometime to chat.
I sense that he’s nervous that I don’t know he has his partner living with him (I know he lives there).
The last thing I want to do is make him or his partner feel uncomfortable in any way. Should I really stop by and introduce myself?
– New Friend
Dear Friend: In the immortal words of Shania Twain, “Come on over! Come on in!” (Maybe call or text first to make sure it’s a good time.)
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Consider bringing a little gift, a plant or something. He extended the invitation, and it seems that it was genuinely offered, so I say take your friendship to the next level by accepting.
I’m curious about the nervousness he might be feeling. Do you live in a neighborhood that wouldn’t be welcoming to a gay couple? If so, your visit could be a great help to him and his partner, extending a welcome and making sure they know they’ve got a friendly and safe house on the block.
– Worried Wife
Dear Wife: Call the daughters. Tell them that it’s important to you and important to their dad that he gets their support. They may be caught up in the busyness of their own lives, so alerting them to this issue/opportunity could be a gift.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
