DEAR ABBY: I’m struggling with the end of a friendship that has meant the world to me for most of my life.
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Dear Abby: I want to make things right. My children want nothing to do with me.
My best friend of 25 years recently married someone she had known for only a few months. I was surprised how quickly things moved, but I respected her decision and was genuinely happy for her.
During one of our last meaningful conversations, she assured me she would let me know when a wedding date was set because she wanted me there.
A few weeks later, I accidentally discovered that not only had a date been chosen, but there is also a wedding website — clearly showing the event was planned and confirmed. I was not invited.
When I brought it up gently, she flat-out denied that anything had been finalized.
I felt hurt, confused and dismissed. The dishonesty and secrecy feel like a betrayal after everything we’ve shared over the past 25 years. Being excluded from such a major life event and then lied to about it feels like the final straw.
I’m torn between mourning the friendship and wondering if I’m overreacting. Is there any coming back from this kind of hurt? Or is it time to accept that our relationship is over?
— LEFT BEHIND IN THE EAST
DEAR LEFT BEHIND: You are not overreacting. It appears your friend’s “little white lie” turned into a whopper. I can’t blame you for feeling hurt at the way you were treated.
There could be several reasons why you were left off the guest list. Not knowing your old friend, I can’t guess which. Neither can you, since she chose to lie instead of level with you.
Whether this should end your long relationship is up to you. Certainly, you need to rethink anything she tells you in the future, if there even is a future.
DEAR ABBY: After my father passed away, I started doing some family genealogy.
Everyone, including family, thinks he was a great WWII hero. But while researching military records, I discovered it was all a lie. In my opinion, he committed “stolen valor.”
Do I tell the truth, or let sleeping dogs lie?
— TRUTHFUL IN THE WEST
DEAR TRUTHFUL: Your father has gone to his great reward. If you feel the record should be set straight, show your family the research you did and tell them the truth.
DEAR ABBY: I am remarried to a widower whose first wife died 10 years ago.
On the anniversary of her death, he reaches out to her siblings to announce how much he loved her. I find this unsettling. I would have thought that this was understood by all of them during their marriage. He was a devoted husband.
Am I wrong in thinking this unnecessary and hurtful?
— CURRENT WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA
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DEAR WIFE: You are entitled to your feelings, but please stop comparing your marriage to the one your husband had with his late wife. Although yours may be a happy one, it isn’t identical to the one he had with her.
A lesson I have learned later in life is that love doesn’t end when a partner dies. Because your husband deeply loved his first wife doesn’t mean there is less for you. For him, the message he sends to his former in-laws feels necessary.
Please try harder not to make a problem where there isn’t one. No anniversary message will bring the woman back.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
