DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the past year, I’ve gained a significant amount of weight, and it’s been difficult for me emotionally and mentally.
Related Articles
Harriette Cole: Are you kidding me? The wife who wants to date doesn’t deserve sympathy
Harriette Cole: My cousin believed his wife’s lies about me
Harriette Cole: My friend is getting odd texts and she says I need to intervene
Harriette Cole: He says he wasn’t himself on our disastrous first date. Must I give him another chance?
Harriette Cole: My co-workers don’t know this secret about our horrible boss
I’ve become extremely self-conscious about how I look — to the point where I sometimes avoid social situations altogether. I feel like I’m constantly comparing myself with the person I used to be, and I don’t recognize my reflection anymore.
Recently, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen since before the weight gain. At first, they didn’t even recognize me. They laughed it off once they realized who I was, but it stung more than I expected.
It confirmed the fear I’ve been carrying around: that people see me as different, or worse, less than, because of how my body has changed. I know I’m still me, but it feels like I’m being viewed through a completely different lens now.
I don’t want to feel ashamed of myself, but I don’t know how to rebuild my confidence or how to stop letting my body define how I show up in the world.
— Overweight and Ashamed
DEAR OVERWEIGHT AND ASHAMED: Own your reality and how you feel about it. Look yourself in the mirror and profess love for you as you are. This may seem silly or difficult, but it will help you tend to your own needs if you are being kind to yourself.
Identify an accountability partner who will cheer you on and support you on your journey to better health. Go to the doctor. Get a full medical workup to find out if you have health conditions to address. Engage a nutritionist to help you design healthy meals.
Commit to putting your health first and to do something good for yourself every day. Be proud of small victories. When others see you, greet them warmly. Don’t shy away from them.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I are compared constantly. From our clothing to our academic and professional careers — people even compare our faces.
I think we each compete with the other quietly, and quite frankly, it has made me feel resentful.
It makes me skeptical of any compliments she gives me, and it makes me secretive. I hate telling her about new goals, plans, ideas or interests I have. I am always met with somber, slightly envious replies like, “Geez, I want to be more like you.”
I am never celebrated or honored for what I am doing. It always turns into her talking about herself.
How can I get my sister’s support without her self-centered perspective?
— Sister-Sister
Related Articles
Miss Manners: Strangers want to take our photo, and they’re bugged when I say no
Dear Abby: My genius daughter won’t get a job and it’s wrecking her marriage
Asking Eric: I don’t love my mom. That doesn’t make me a sociopath.
Harriette Cole: Are you kidding me? The wife who wants to date doesn’t deserve sympathy
Miss Manners: She contaminated the soup and then got petulant with me
DEAR SISTER-SISTER: It’s possible that you two are in similar situations. Her comment suggests that she feels inferior to you and that she feels like she doesn’t measure up. Your comments suggest that you think she has an ulterior motive for complimenting you.
Call a truce. Talk to your sister openly. Tell her how uncomfortable you feel when other people compare the two of you. Add that it bothers you when it seems she doesn’t listen to what you say.
Ask her to agree to carve out time when you both share openly with each other and listen carefully to what the other is saying. Promise to resist falling into the trap of comparisons. Celebrate yourselves for who you are and what is unique about each of you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
