DEAR HARRIETTE: My partner and I have been increasingly less intimate over the past couple of months. At this point, we’re intimate only once or twice a month, and I’m always the one to initiate.
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I’ve tried asking about the shift in dynamic and how we went from him always wanting it to me nearly having to beg for it, but he assures me that there’s no particular reason. He keeps saying he’s just been tired from work, but I don’t believe him.
In the moment, if I’m being flirtatious or trying to be more physical, he gets frustrated or defensive or asks why I’m never tired.
I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but when he snaps at me it seems more like he’s keeping something from me than just sheer exhaustion. I’m suspicious, but I don’t want to offend him by admitting that.
What should I do?
— Struggling Lovers
DEAR STRUGGLING LOVER: Ask your partner directly if he is interested in someone else or even if he has another lover. The shock of that question may yield a candid answer.
If not, ask if there are any health-related concerns that may be bothering him or if you have upset him in some way.
A sudden change of behavior like this was triggered by something. Keep sleuthing until you find out what it is.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Since I was young, I’ve found that I’ve always had strange anxiety-induced habits — pulling at the edges of my hair, sucking my thumb, picking at scabs, etc.
Over time, I’d find a solution, or I’d just sort of grow out of it.
At present, I scratch the insides of my palms when I’m nervous, stressed or frustrated. I think I may do it at other times, but I haven’t pinpointed all of the triggers. Lately, it’s been out of control.
I haven’t been able to resolve this one, but I’m so ready to leave it behind. How do I find a lifetime solution for all these behavioral tics?
— Old Habits Die Hard
DEAR OLD HABITS DIE HARD: I feel your pain. When I was young, I used to suck my thumb; I couldn’t stop myself.
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Someone finally suggested painting my fingernails with a solution that left a terrible taste on my finger. That helped, but ultimately it was mind over matter for me. I willed myself to stop. I’m sure that willpower was helped along by feeling ashamed that I was doing a childish thing.
I have learned that conscious breathing can help one to control any behavior. Breathe deeply and tell yourself that you are replacing a behavioral tic with a cleansing breath. This has worked for many challenges — like shaking your leg; repeating “like,” “you know” or “um”; and picking skin.
Since you mention stress as a trigger, you may also want to pay attention to what sets you off and do your best to avoid those things before they take over. Finally, a therapist may be able to help you develop healthier habits.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
