Asking Eric: They were my friends first, and now I’m the one left behind

Dear Eric: I have two close female friends (13 years of friendship and 30 years of friendship, respectively). I introduced them to each other. They have a lot in common and now we’re all close.

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They are both single. In the last year my live-in boyfriend has developed Alzheimer’s and I am not as available as my friends are for hiking, canoeing or going to museums.

I recently found out that the two of them frequently meet without me for hikes and museum trips and lunch afterward.

I just found out that they are planning an overnight trip to the west coast of Florida as a girls trip and hiking trip. They did not ask me.

I totally understand that I cannot participate or stay away from my boyfriend for hours. I totally understand that they have these activities in common but not with me. Eric, I am fully aware of my limitations — but I am hurt that neither one of them included me by asking.

A simple “We would love you to join us but understand your situation and will miss you” would have made me happy. Instead I am hurt and trying to get over it. I have not mentioned anything to my friends about how I feel.

Am I too sensitive about just wanting to be included by simply asking? These two women would not even know each other if it was not for me introducing them to each other.

– Unmatched Matchmaker

Dear Matchmaker: You’re not being too sensitive. This hurts and it’s hard.

As a caregiver, you may be stretched thin, you may feel more emotions and you may find that the demands on your time are changing in ways that are out of your control.

This is a moment for compassion, for yourself and from others.

Thinking generously, it’s possible that your friends are trying to be compassionate by not inviting you to things they assume you can’t do. But they need to say it so that their intentions are not misconstrued.

These relationships are so long-standing that I think they can withstand the truth. Indeed, they might flourish with it.

Tell them that you felt hurt and explain that that hurt also comes from a love for them and for your friendships. Tell them that you know your life looks different now but you still want to feel wanted.

Sometimes even our closest friends need to be encouraged to think creatively about how to best show up for us.

Dear Eric: I have a problem that seems to be getting worse with time.

Our son is married and very happy. He lives in another state from us so it is always a quick visit to see each other, which happens usually twice a year.

The problem is my husband and I really don’t enjoy our visits. They’ve become very stressful. Time with a grown child should not be stressful. We are always walking on eggshells around them. It is their way or no way. They have become selfish adults.

Our last visit was truly exhausting and my husband doesn’t want to go again anytime soon. I know if I have a conversation with my son, we will probably not talk at all and it will sever our relationship.

I truly don’t know what to do because I didn’t raise my son to be so difficult and make our family so uncomfortable in his and his wife’s presence. Please help.

– Lost and Stressed Mom

Dear Mom: Reading your letter, I wondered if it was possible to change the structure, schedule or even the setting of your time with your son.

It sounds like you’re looking for more hospitality, which is totally fair. Or, short of that, a visit that’s rooted in mutual enjoyment and the easy compromises that go along with it. So, perhaps by giving yourself some of that hospitality and consideration, you can take the pressure off and enjoy yourself more.

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If you’re visiting him at his home, for instance, I wonder if there’s a part of him that feels his space is being infringed upon or his schedule is being jostled. If so, it’s possible to take the triggers away.

You and your husband could plan other local events for your time in his state – seeing friends, visiting cultural institutions, et cetera – and choose one or two pockets of time to engage with your son and daughter-in-law. This way you have something to look forward to, something around which to build your schedule and you’re not beholden to his hospitality or lack thereof.

The desire to visit isn’t always met by the ability to visit well. It sounds like he’s got some growing to do in that area. If you’re walking around on eggshells, the best thing may be to step back for a little bit.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.