Harriette Cole: My teen won’t go to family events, and I don’t know what to do

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 13-year-old daughter has recently started refusing to attend family gatherings like birthday parties or Sunday dinners at my parents’ house. She says they’re “boring, fake and a waste of time.”

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I understand that she’s a teenager and trying to find her own identity, but it’s really starting to hurt my parents’ feelings. They miss her and have mentioned that they feel like she doesn’t care about spending time with them anymore.

I’ve tried explaining to my daughter how important family is and how these events aren’t just about fun, they’re about staying connected to those who matter to us. She just shuts down or rolls her eyes.

I don’t want to force her to come and make things even more awkward, but I also don’t want to let her completely disconnect from the family.

How do I navigate this without pushing her further away or upsetting my parents even more? Is this just a phase, or should I be concerned about something deeper going on?

— Awkward Teen

DEAR AWKWARD TEEN: First, make sure that nothing has happened between your daughter and your parents to cause her not to want to spend time with them.

Shy of an egregious incident between them, my recommendation is that you let your daughter know that you need her to show up and be respectful at these family events; they are not optional. If she refuses, take away a privilege that she values, like visiting with friends or using social media.

Yes, teens can go through tremendous emotional turmoil, but that should not give them a pass to be disrespectful to others, especially their grandparents. Do not tolerate it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a son who is still living at home after finishing college. He has a job and is looking for a better one in his field of interest, but it’s slow going.

I appreciate that he is making the effort. What he has not been good at is helping around the house. When he isn’t working, he is sleeping or playing video games or doing something other than contributing to the household.

This is partly my fault. I didn’t require him to do dishes or laundry when he was growing up, but I need him to chip in now. How can I get him to take my requests seriously?

— Time To Help Out

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DEAR TIME TO HELP OUT: Sit down with your son and talk about the rules of your household. Acknowledge that you didn’t have as many requirements of him when he was a child, but you need him to step it up now.

Give him a few chores that he should do each day and some that should be done weekly. Remind him until it becomes second nature to him (if it ever does).

Try not to get angry when he slips up. Since he hasn’t learned the discipline yet, you can expect him to give you attitude or to forget. Just keep reminding him that he is part of your household, and he needs to pull his weight.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.