Miss Manners: The wedding planner said I couldn’t sit with my partner

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my partner’s son’s wedding, the first row had names taped on the chairs for assigned seating.

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On the groom’s side, the order was: groom’s mother, groom’s father (my partner), their daughter, the groom’s mom’s partner, then me.

I’d never met the gent next to me (the mom’s partner), so it felt awkward. But I made the best of it and chatted him up — asking about his own children, as folks usually enjoy talking about that.

My partner and his ex are polite and cordial to each other. They’ve been divorced for 20 years, and my understanding is that it was acrimonious, but that they eventually developed an uneasy truce. They shared custody of their children, who have long since been adults.

My partner and I had assumed we’d sit together during the ceremony, so it was a bit of a surprise when the wedding planner told us about the seating arrangements about half an hour prior. Of course, we just accepted it and made no protest. We had no desire to make waves at his son’s wedding.

Was I wrong in feeling uncomfortable with this assigned seating situation? I hid my feelings and certainly won’t voice any complaints after the fact. Just wanted a reality check. Do you think my discomfort was understandable?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Instead, you should feel proud of yourself for handling an awkward situation graciously.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning to invite my daughter’s in-laws to a formal dinner.

I plan to host it the way my late almost-aristocratic mother would have done 60 years ago: with fine china, starched linens, good silver, flowers, the lot. I am partly (well, mainly) motivated by a few snobbish remarks dropped by my daughter’s father-in-law.

The thing is, I was raised to roll up my napkin after dinner and put it in my napkin ring, with my name engraved on it, for later use. But I cannot remember for the life of me whether guests should find a napkin ring provided if they’re only staying for one meal.

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GENTLE READER: If this gentleman is as pretentious as you say, he may well believe, as many now do, that silver napkin rings add a formal touch to a table. And he would be wrong.

They do not belong at company meals.

Your mother used the napkin rings to lighten the load of the laundress (who, for all Miss Manners knows, may have been your mother herself). The family used their napkins at more than one meal, so it was necessary to distinguish whose was whose. You wouldn’t want to be stuck with your brother’s napkin after he wiped jam all over it.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.