Harriette Cole: My husband gripes all the time but won’t speak up for himself

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is extremely passive-aggressive.

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He refuses to speak up for basic things at his work, yet he snipes at me about every little thing at home. He constantly curses under his breath about how somebody did him wrong, but when it’s time to speak up and defend himself, he’s quiet as a mouse.

This is driving me nuts. When I recommend things for him to say or do to take better care of himself, he shrugs it off and is often mean to me.

I’m at my wit’s end. I feel like I bear the brunt of his inability to speak up for himself. What can I do?

— Passive Husband

DEAR PASSIVE HUSBAND: You need to stand up for yourself. When your husband speaks to you in an unacceptable way, tell him to stop.

In the moment, if possible, point out that he is yelling or being rude or disrespectful. You can even say, “Honey, I know you had a hard day today, but I need you not to take it out on me.” When he goes off about something, remind him in a quiet moment that it would be easier if he addressed the issue as it is happening rather than complaining about it after the fact.

Definitely recommend counseling. A therapist may be able to role-play with him so he can discover healthier ways to react to confrontation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am living with my mom again for the first time in a long time.

I am back in my hometown, and as I plan for what’s next, living with her seemed like the best idea. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong.

Aside from occasional three-week-long visits during holidays, it’s been about eight years since my mom and I lived in the same space, and now I remember why. We have changed so much.

She is particular about fridge organization, and no matter how hard I try to adhere to her shelf preferences and systems, I still manage to mess it up. Apparently, all of my showers are too long. She tries to correct the way I do my laundry, and she constantly questions me about my spending because she thinks I receive too many packages.

I think we’re just going through an awkward phase readjusting to each other, but I don’t want this to continue. Any advice on how we can compromise?

— Mom’s House

DEAR MOM’S HOUSE: Ask your mom if you two can have a family meeting. Thank her for welcoming you home during this period of uncertainty. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her generosity.

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Tell her that the transition has been tough. As you’ve grown up, you have developed certain patterns of living, and she has her own. You feel like she is constantly judging and correcting you, and you do not feel comfortable. Ask her for some grace.

Request specific concessions, like one shelf in the fridge to be yours. Get a P.O. box so that you don’t have to be under her scrutiny regarding packages.

Do heed her warnings: Are you spending too much? Can you cut back? Are your showers wasting water? Remember that she loves you and wants the best for you.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.