DEAR MISS MANNERS: There’s a woman I’ve known for more than 40 years. We were close when our children were young, but we have not been in regular contact for many years. I still care a lot about her, and believe the feeling is reciprocated.
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She’s become more isolated by health challenges over the last couple of years, and my invitations to meet for lunch have been rebuffed. I haven’t taken it personally.
She’s facing surgery in a few days, and I had the epiphany that an old-fashioned phone call would be welcomed. We talked for more than an hour, about a wide range of topics, and my sense was that we were both having a good time. As we were winding down, she got serious and said some kind things about me. I was touched and told her how appreciative I was.
In the moment, I felt that if I said the equivalent of “I like you, too,” it would seem like I was only saying it because she had said it first.
Am I wrong not to have responded with something similar? Her remark was different in tone than the rest of the conversation, and seemed to come out of the blue.
I do value her and our friendship over the years. It just would have felt reactive to say so in that moment. If I did err, how should I address my failure to respond in kind?
GENTLE READER: Your friend’s words touched you because they were genuine and spontaneous. No doubt she was also feeling sentimental in the face of her upcoming surgery. Had you immediately responded in kind, it might, as you say, have felt disingenuous.
But if it is bothering you, Miss Manners suggests you get really, really old-fashioned and write her a letter expressing a few thoughtful things about her and the friendship. Not only will this be authentic and touching, it will also give her something to read while she recovers.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been invited to a casual backyard party for a low-country boil. I’d like to attend and spend time with my friends, but my shellfish allergy means I can’t partake of the food.
Is it impolite for me to bring my own snack? Should I offer to bring a side dish to share? Or should I just eat before the party?
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My husband thinks I should send my regrets to avoid the awkwardness of not eating the food on offer.
GENTLE READER: Eat beforehand. Alerting the hosts in advance will only make them go into a panic, trying to ensure there is something for you to eat (although there are likely to be non-shellfish sides as well). It may also make them a bit resentful since their menu plans were already in the title of their party.
If anyone asks why you are not eating, Miss Manners suggests you say, “I knew what I was getting into, but I’m afraid I’m allergic to shellfish. I just wanted to spend time with everyone — enjoying the low-country part of the party, if not the boil.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
