DEAR ABBY: I’m a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. A fellow AA member suffered critical injuries in a motorcycle accident recently and was in the ICU for several weeks.
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I visited the hospital regularly, bringing cookies and offering support to his girlfriend, who is also in the program.
During my last visit, I unknowingly arrived at the exact moment doctors began withdrawing life support. I had no idea it was going to happen and witnessed the kind of raw grief that comes in moments like that. Afterward, I hugged his girlfriend and quietly left.
Only later did I learn that many in our AA group knew he was being taken off life support that day.
I am now devastated. I worry that his girlfriend and family think I showed up intentionally, intruding on such a deeply private, painful moment. I’m afraid I caused harm where I only meant to help.
I don’t know when I’ll see her again to make amends. How do I come to terms with what I’ve done?
— HEARTBROKEN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You must not blame yourself for something you didn’t know. During the weeks you visited that man and his girlfriend at the hospital, I am sure you brought comfort to the girlfriend and any family member you encountered.
The next time you see her, tell her how sorry you are for her loss, that you didn’t realize how close her boyfriend was to the end and apologize if your presence caused anybody pain. (I am sure it did not!)
DEAR ABBY: I want to end a relationship. My husband and I met a couple through mutual friends about three years ago. We are 20 years older than they are and live an hour away.
When the mutual friends moved away, we thought that would be the end of it, but this couple pursued a friendship and guilted us into making the long journey to “hang” with them, stating that we were their only friends.
Then we learned that, in their 40s, they were having a child. They now have two children.
I have raised my children, and I’m no longer interested in being around toddlers. Between the distance and the unenjoyable company, I want to end it.
I think ghosting them would be tacky, and I want to tell them honestly (and gently) that we no longer want to visit.
My husband disagrees. He thinks we should continue the charade to our immense displeasure. Advice?
— SOUTHERN DISCONNECTION
DEAR DISCONNECTION: I disagree with your husband. The problem with playing charades is that not all the players are able to decode the pantomime.
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Save yourself a world of frustration (in addition to the money you are spending on fuel) and tell the couple that it’s time for them to make friends with other parents of young children in their community. Explain that you have raised a family, and the trip is onerous for you, which is why you are calling a halt to it.
If you are their only friends as they have stated, it is important that they cultivate relationships with other parents, if only so their children can form relationships with other children.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
