DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is upset with me because I was unable to celebrate her birthday with her a few weeks back.
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I am unemployed right now, so I try to be mindful of my expenses and always account for my necessities first. My friend reached out and invited me to a private dinner party at her home and requested $200 for attendance. That would cover the cost of the private chef and some other things.
I couldn’t spend that kind of money on a party. I explained to her that I could not afford to be there, and since then, she’s been cold.
She is slow to reply to text messages, and the few times I have seen her or spoken with her, she’ll point out what I’m spending my money on or ask how much it cost me to do certain things. It’s making me uncomfortable.
I’ve asked her if we can set aside some time to talk, but she won’t respond.
I have enough on my plate. Is this kind of friend worth my patience?
— Birthday Drama
DEAR BIRTHDAY DRAMA: Your friend is being selfish. Stop trying to appease her. Focus on your life.
You do not need to answer to her about how you spend money. Stop trying to talk to her. She owes you an apology for trying to bully you into spending beyond your budget on her birthday.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter is upset with me because I told her she couldn’t go to a concert with her friends.
The show is in a nearby city, and while she insists everyone else’s parents are letting them go, I don’t feel comfortable with her being out so late in such a large, unsupervised crowd. She’s 15, and the concert would end well past midnight.
When I told her no, she burst into tears and accused me of not trusting her. Since then, she’s barely spoken to me.
I know part of this is typical teenage behavior, but it’s been difficult feeling like the bad guy when my only intention is to protect her. She has been slamming doors, refusing to eat dinner with us and making little comments about how I never let her do anything fun.
It breaks my heart; I don’t want her to feel like I’m controlling her life, but I also don’t want to give in just to avoid her anger.
I keep second-guessing myself: Am I being too strict, or is this a reasonable boundary for her age? How can I make sure she doesn’t see me as the enemy?
— Angry Daughter
DEAR ANGRY DAUGHTER: Why not check in with the other friends’ parents to see what precautions they may have put in place, just to get some perspective?
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Get a sense of what is happening with her friend group so that you know what she could be dealing with. Have you considered driving her (and her friends) to the concert and picking them up when it’s over?
Even if you don’t change your mind, you may proceed with more compassion — just don’t present her as a baby to the other parents. You don’t want those conversations to make things worse.
Talk to your daughter about what you think is appropriate for her age and what the boundaries are. Apologize for having to disagree, but point out that you are the parent, and until she is independent, she must abide by your rules. She may stay mad for a while, but hopefully it will die down.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
