Miss Manners: I stopped giving big gifts after one of the recipients died

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I no longer give big birthday or holiday gifts. I do this because a family member died after I had purchased his Christmas gift.

Miss Manners: Why do they resent it when I say I can’t keep weight on?

Miss Manners: I didn’t intend it as a gag gift, but they laughed at it all night

Miss Manners: My upset boyfriend skipped dinner because I didn’t text him it was ready

Miss Manners: She came to my house sniffling, and I had little sympathy

Miss Manners: I came out of the stall and was confronted by a scowling woman

Instead, I give gifts irregularly throughout the year, as I make or come across something that a person will like. I might also repair something for them as a gift, or shovel their snow. Once, I drove someone to outpatient surgery and back, and cared for them until their spouse came home.

Everyone still gets a token gift for their birthday and Christmas. I will say, “You liked last year’s gift so well, I made you another so you’d have a pair.” Or, “You barely got any cookies last year, so I made a batch for you to take home.”

But some people make it known that they feel insulted by the paltriness of what they receive.

Please advise me, Miss Manners, on how to either change my ways or ignore this unpleasantness.

GENTLE READER: No one should be challenging the relative paltriness of your presents. The ones you named actually sound thoughtful to Miss Manners, even if the way in which they are delivered seems a bit aggressive.

But for her own clarification: Your reasoning for not giving more substantial presents is that the recipients might die? Welp. There is your answer, if anyone expresses insult: You are simply trying to save that person’s life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two of the most important people in my life — my beloved husband, and my closest partner at work — share a most annoying habit.

The habit is this: When they need something, they suddenly shout out a question before thinking. In these situations, I am usually the only other person in the room.

Examples: At home, my husband will call out, “Where is the olive oil?” (On the counter beside the pepper grinder, where it always is.) At work, my partner will call out, “What’s the keyboard command for printing?” (Control-P, as always.)

This is probably my fault, as I am a helpful and accommodating person by nature, and consciously consider how to be of service to those around me by force of habit. However, I find these inquiries very distracting and annoying, as they disrupt my thought process from whatever it was I was cooking or working on in that moment.

In the past, I would stop and answer their questions. Now, however, I adopt a quizzical look, as if I am trying to remember the answer, for whatever amount of time it takes for them to answer their own question.

Dear Abby: My neighbor is going to know if I try to escape her over-the-top party

Asking Eric: We used to be friends until camping took over her life

Harriette Cole: Did I make a mistake with the men at the bar?

Miss Manners: Why do they resent it when I say I can’t keep weight on?

Dear Abby: I feel like reporting the neighbor kid’s dangerous behavior

My hope had been that, over time, this response would teach them to answer their own questions without the shouting. But it has not worked. The shouting continues.

Can Miss Manners suggest a better alternative? It seems that my responses should be different, given the different context in which the questions are asked and my different relationship with who’s doing the asking.

GENTLE READER: Noise-canceling headphones? If you cannot hear the shouting, you do not have to answer the shouting. Miss Manners assures you that vigorously waving to get your attention will get tiresome quickly.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.