DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my oldest child died in a horrific car accident. Our family went into a sort of hibernation for several months, mourning and trying to deal with the sadness of the situation.
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Now the kids are back in school, and I’m starting to work again. I’m interacting with a lot of people I haven’t seen since before the accident who maybe don’t know what happened.
How do I respond when they ask perfectly reasonable questions, like “What’s new?” or “How was your break?” I want to be honest and let people know I’m not really OK. But I also want to avoid “trauma dumping,” or providing too much information they aren’t ready for. The full truth is a lot for anyone to hear.
If I say something like, “We’ve had some family issues that have been hard,” people tend to assume I’m getting a divorce or have cancer, which changes how they interact with me.
If I tell the truth they almost always start crying, which makes me cry, and then the situation is derailed.
What can I say that is true, and that also indicates they don’t really want to know more?
— SURVIVOR IN TENNESSEE
DEAR SURVIVOR: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your first-born child.
If someone asks what’s new or how you are, respond, “We’ve been through some trials and tribulations, but we’re moving forward.” If you are questioned further, simply say, “I’d rather not go into detail right now,” and change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my grandson, “Levi,” 23, told his father (“Alex”) and me that he wants no contact with us.
Levi and his dad had an argument when Alex asked for help paying the utilities, since Levi and his girlfriend live rent-free in Alex’s house.
Alex has tried to reach out to Levi through texting, but his texts are ignored. I tried sending texts and letters but received no response either.
My son is not perfect, but he has always been a loving and devoted father. Levi means the world to him, and this estrangement is causing Alex physical and mental health problems. I have always doted on my grandson and been warm and kind to his girlfriend, so we don’t understand why he turned on me, too.
Should I keep trying to reach out, or accept that Levi does not want me in his life? Please advise.
— DISTRESSED GRANDMOTHER
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DEAR GRANDMOTHER: Levi may be a young adult, but he’s acting like a spoiled child.
His father’s request that Levi contribute to the cost of the utilities in the home where he had been living rent-free wasn’t unreasonable. I can only wonder where he and his girlfriend are now living and presumably getting a better deal.
Stop trying to reach out only to be rejected. When Levi grows up a little, or needs something else from you and his father, he will show up in your lives again. Right now, because Alex isn’t doing well, concentrate on your son’s health.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
