Asking Eric: If I report my neighbor, he’ll know it was me

Dear Eric: I have a huge dilemma literally right across from our home.

Asking Eric: I have a good plan for Christmas but my daughter isn’t on board

Asking Eric: My husband died, my house burned down, and still this horrible woman shuns me

Asking Eric: My friend’s husband put cameras in the guest room

Asking Eric: The wedding tiara dispute blew up into a war with the bride

Asking Eric: I feel like I should report my neighbor before he hurts someone

Our neighbor is a very nice man. Sometimes I ask him what he’s going to do with all of his stuff in his yard. He just says he’ll keep it. He is a hoarder.

What I see is boxes and boxes stacked all along his driveway, down to his backyard, leaving a very narrow pathway to cars, also along the driveway. You can barely see his house due to all the grown trees and shrubs.

My deepest worry is fire.

I know if I call an authority on him, he will know it was me. Please, advise.

– Worried Neighbor

Dear Neighbor: Fire is indeed a concern in homes maintained by people with hoarding tendencies. Blocked entrances and exits endanger not only the residents of the home, but firefighters and first responders. This is why, as you indicate you’re aware, many emergency response departments have people trained at hoarding intervention.

What’s the greater danger here: that he suspects you’re the person who called and asked that someone make a wellness visit to his home, or that he or someone else is injured or killed should the unthinkable happen. I say make the call and then leave it to the authorities.

It’s also possible that any passing car could notice the state of the house and make a call, as could the neighbors on either side of him, whose houses would be in even more immediate danger in the event of a fire.

After making the call, however, it’s advisable to take a step back, unpleasant as the sight may be. We can’t dictate what neighbors put on their property. Beyond offering help, further conversation with him about his belongings is overstepping.

Dear Eric: Nearly three years ago, I let my sister know my husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

For reasons I don’t understand, she cut off contact with us other than an occasional text. I was heartbroken and begged her to explain what I had done so I could properly apologize.

Before that we had had weekly hourlong phone calls.

I begged her in a series of letters to forgive me and give me another chance. Her response was to send me a series of criticisms via text, saying I was a bully and given to making cutting remarks. I had no idea what she was referring to and asked for examples. She could not come up with anything but advised me to cultivate friendships in my own town.

Almost two years later, I finally received a letter from her asking for forgiveness for hurting me. She still never explained what I had done, but of course I rushed to write that no forgiveness was needed, and I would be grateful to resume contact.

By the way, our mother had Alzheimer’s, so I speculate that having contact with us is a painful reminder of that history. Maybe? We are both in our 70s.

Since then, she has emailed me occasionally, never more than once a week. I have not had the courage to ask again to resume our calls, remembering how devastated I was at her previous rejection.

I am sad that our relationship is a shadow of what it once was. Yet I don’t know how to change anything. Asking for more feels very risky. What should I do, Eric?

– Missing My Sister

Dear Sister: You extended her a lot of grace by forgiving her. It’s preferable that apologies come with an acknowledgment of harm done and a commitment to make right what can be made right. I don’t know that she made that commitment and now you’re suffering for it, again.

Harriette Cole: My friend’s weight loss worries me. Can I ask what’s going on?

Miss Manners: Is it wrong to warn a foolish stranger about theft risks?

Dear Abby: I’m still bothered by a lie my boyfriend told years ago

Asking Eric: I have a good plan for Christmas but my daughter isn’t on board

Harriette Cole: I met this guy on an app, and all of a sudden I’m running into him at work

Take the risk and ask for what you want. But do it with the knowledge that she may not be capable of giving you what you really want – a healthy connection, free from cruelty. I understand that, as your sister, you want her in your life. But it will be healthy for you to set up emotional boundaries to keep yourself safe.

You are worthy of more than crumbs from this relationship. You’re not responsible for what she thinks. If she has a grievance with you, she can bring it up. But, as you related, she wasn’t able to come up with one. Right now, it seems as if you’re being punished for something that, possibly, only exists in her mind.

If you got something out of the weekly phone calls, proceed with caution. But make sure you’re also checking in with people who love you in the way that you deserve to be loved.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.