Miss Manners: The boomerang birthday gift hurt my feelings

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two years ago, a friend and I met for lunch and to celebrate our birthdays.

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She presented me with a card that featured a stylized drawing of a breed of dog that we both are fond of. As she gave me the card, she noted that she had to really debate whether she wanted to give it to me, as she liked it so much.

I allowed that it was a nice card, but if she really wanted it, she could keep it. She refused the offer, so I kept the card safe, thinking that I would frame it for her and she could have it back.

When we met for our next birthday lunch, I reminded her of the card and how she had been reticent to give it to me. I said that I had kept it safe, then presented her with the picture. Initially, she was pleased, but by the end of the meal she was complaining that she had no place to put it on a table at her home. I pointed out that she could hang it up, and she grumbled there was no free wall space, but she did take the picture with her.

Fast-forward to this year, when I received a package from her and inside was that same framed picture as a birthday present. I found it irksome. If she had not wanted it, she could have just given it to a charity.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunate as this is for your friendship, it is fascinating to Miss Manners as an illustration of etiquette’s subtext.

On the surface, your behavior was reasonable and considerate. Your friend admitted to wanting the card, so you tried to give it back to her. Twice.

But presents (unless they are merely plucked from the recipient’s wish list) are loaded with symbolic meaning: “I know you, I understand you, and I want to please you.”

To return a present to its donor is therefore to respond with, “Well, you failed.” (Therefore, discretion is required in disposing of what is unwanted — which is fine to do, as long as the giver doesn’t know.)

You should undo that unintended message by telling her how much you value the card and didn’t really want to let it go, except that you value the friendship more. And send her a different birthday present reflecting another interest of hers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette for who cooks the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?

We have family members who requested that our daughter cook and bring the turkey — after she makes a 12-hour drive with two toddlers and her husband.

GENTLE READER: Whoops, etiquette does not have a rule designating the turkey cook.

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Should it be the person who is closest to the oven? The one who does it best? The one who didn’t do it last year? The one who actually volunteers?

Miss Manners can think of exceptions that should be made to any of these. So it is fortunate that the matter can be settled by manners principles, of which there are a good supply.

For example, consideration of others. A smidgeon of that might suggest that an all-day drive in a crowded car with toddlers isn’t good for a turkey, let alone the passengers.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.